Hey hey. I’ve come here today at 6am after getting like a couple of crappy hours of sleep earlier buuut it’s not like I could sleep now. My head has hurt eternally. Here I am NOT to complain, I actually have better things to talk about. This past month has been pretty crazy and a weird spin of events where all of the sudden I’m on the other side of the mirror, but it’s a good thing. I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be here the whole time, not on that other side which was just a vision of something that I could’ve seen be my life. But it wasn’t my life. That was never really me, as much as I was 2u947827987917491% convinced it was me. Yes I know there’s a u in there and I’m not complaining it makes sense. Lol. It wasn’t me in some aspects, and it broke me down in most of the rest. And then my eyes opened. We sobbed by a car and she opened my eyes. She made me realized I deserve so much better with how my life plays out and how people directly treat me, and it’s crazy that it became such a war around me just for me to withdraw myself from a situation. And I guess that’s the prelude to how she birthed the powerful song, “you dont know”.
Scorpio Season truly is supposed to be the time where I’m at my peak. FIRST – this sounds sad at first, but I promise you I’m following it up with some SERIOUS positivity. Anyway, I’m supposed to feel my strongest, do the most elite things, and challenge myself to degrees that make growing a regular & constant thing. But here I am right now sitting in Starbucks and I’m miserable — can you believe that, miserable?? Like, with all that I have and have been given and I’m capable of being miserable? I don’t even understand how. So here I am in my head listening to the faint sounds of Starbucks and I gotta tell you guys, it’s my fault. FAULT is a strong word, and no I am not being hard on myself. I’m being tender with myself and trying to understand where I’m coming from and how I can back to a peaceful mindset. Although, it’s okay that I was miserable, and it’s okay that I took a deep breath and finally got to Starbucks and ordered a tall latte and oatmeal…It’s the best I could do to take care of myself (we have like no money right now) but I gotta say I just really really truly want to cry, with all of my heart. Something that started out as such a fantastic day ended in me not being able to do anything not even being able to watch Netflix or Hulu and I gotta say, days like this are going to happen. A lot of times I’ll have great starts but a lot of times I’ll fall on my ass or face. That’s going to happen and just because I can’t predict it doesn’t mean I can’t be prepared for it, like honestly. This blog post starts out with mostly just me complaining but I’m telling you right now that I understand what’s happening within myself & around me and I see that a lot of my flaws have these holes in them where I could’ve prevented the fall, but that also doesn’t mean I need to point fingers at myself. Because I don’t. Taking responsibility for myself, my actions, my hunger and my state of mind is one thing but that doesn’t mean I need to be hard on myself or add anymore unnecessary negativity to my life. Because that’s bull!
And as I write this, I feel myself uplifting. There’s a lot of power in understanding things and there’s a LOT of power in understanding myself. I’ve found that out in so many ways. So now I want to show you guys some shoots from the past month, some interesting peaks of Scorpio Season. I know that a lot of this just sounds like something that would be on my Worry Just Enough blog but honestly, I’m just as powerful with my fashion and shopping as I am with being in my head and worrying about things. Honestly, probably more so. But I want to show you a power shoot that was totally experimental (never really done anything like it) plus a completely random Halloween shoot where I was honestly just as comforable/in my element. “What were you for Halloween?” …. “Idk but it looked cool.” And now, after a longass intro, I will dive in. I dive down and things look up.
Everything seems momentous and every moment seems neatly planned. It feels like everyday flows into the next, into my soul, through my actions, and back. It is amazing to have good vibes and things around you instead of you being bugged by constant negative thoughts — honestly, I didn’t know I was harnessing so much of that.
I couldn’t notice that I was being bugged all the time yet I do know notice that, does that make sense? It’s like… quieter in my head. And a lot of it has to do with my current favorite album (not including Rainbow) Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato. Omg you guys… it is AMAZING! And at one point I was planning a grassy photoshoot but didn’t get around to it until a month after I had the idea, and then I was naming this shoot and of course I had to use the line of the lead single “The Grass Is Greener Under Me” as my title, and everything definitely seemed to click there, and I can promise you I really am in love with this album. Let me talk more about that, and decorate the page with the promotional shoot. Lol I’m kidding but this is great.