In July of last year, with the last month of my blog before everything became life changing, I had this concept post locked & loaded and was super excited about it. This is the one year anticipated Expectations post, inspired by Bebe Rexha’s incredible and relatable album, Expectations. Track one, opening video; Ferrari, non-pre-choreographed (AKA I made it up on the spot) this was done summer 2018. Featuring the opening track on Bebe’s Expectations album, Ferrari! I gotta say, this month it’s been insanely hectic with different variables and changes of what my Expectations are for myself, for my blog, and for my relationship. Like wow that’s a crap ton when put in perspective. But how I’ve always perceived myself was usually in it’s own innocent way that was infallible time and time again, even when the world pushed me into little corners and stuff like that as if I really am this little girl – how was I ever to get free? I had to like, free myself somehow…Kinda like my Dazey dancing lol, I love the free way I feel when I get to express myself with things like dancing, aww, if only I had dressed cuter though…? Anyway it’s been so long but I’m still going back to fix this post because finally I’m ready to face myself and start blogging way more and expect nothing less from myself because everyday’s a blur but hey I’m here to get better and better as the beautiful soul I am.

So not until now, it being like mid-July, have I circled back around to continuing this blog post. I feel like my brain doesn’t remember how to write like it used to. It feels a new kind of force. Constantly these days I face drama that goes outside the comforting feel of usual and is clearly definable by whatever expectations are placed in hold around me in whatever way that it is – like tbh I just don’t know what to expect from myself now. That was a good way of representing just how chaotic jumbled my brain is now. My arms already getting tired from this one paragraph. Lol on to the I’m A Mess photoshoot!

Everyday’s a blur, sometimes I can’t tell what day it is, life’s passing by – cuz I’m out chasing empty highs – every hello just meant goodbye, but I’m looking for more this time…

I’m a mess, I’m a loser, I’m a hater, I’m a user! I’m a mess for your love it’s true. I’m obsessed, I’m embarrassed, I can’t trust myself around you-

I’m a mess tooootally reflects my heart as I crash-stumbled into 2019 with my dignity crammed in my backpack behind me. I think I just literally got on a sled and sledded to hell… wait does that one scan? I had a dream the other week that eternity made a deal with hell to merge into real life it was scary. Okay half of my writing in this makes sense and then the other half is questionable, like really I just cut this part out and now I’m gonna show you this while saying what the junk was I thinking to have this on my front page for so long? Why would I think this? Lol.

“During my hiatus I conquered a huge road block that was destroying and interfering with me focusing on myself. A man I adore is another inspiration for these Expectations, because he totally never meant to set specific standards or expect anything of me but by being the only one who had the same fire for me as I did for him there was an unsaid expectation, and everything was good somehow but….Suck it!”

Okay so the ‘suck it’ part is relatable, or wait…realistic? I totally have been wanting to say Suck It lately, but hey, that doesn’t mean I should! Teehee, of course it could. I’m more than happy being responsible for-wait hey a minute this is a family friendly blog what the junk would you be talking about missy?! Sheesh, maybe that’s Missy Understood right there.

Wow so much to say so little time. I guess everyone is expecting me to be more promiscuous, they’re expecting me to be sober, and to do healthy things in life, but I got so lost I couldn’t even expect to find myself. I will eventually.

Yikes acting like a morgue writer. So funny so so smart girl. Lolnoshushthfmuck. I’m not even changing around my picture formation I’m just kinda adding the cool badasss chickadee writing that has been missing this whole time while this chick has NOT been writing! I need a timeout. Hey I have a timeout room now.

So just a reminder, this I’m A Mess photoshoot was from last year in July when I first planned my Expectations post but of course I’m just now getting back to it. What the hell. I know how to fix this. I’ll be writing a ton more lately about everything I’ve been facing, what’s coming next, cool thing I’ve been doing with my walls with my photoshoots etc. but for today I just wanna say how grateful I am to be back writing at all, and this is going to just slay.

Then why did you not add more than 4 photos sweetie? Ugghhh didn’t wanna sit here all day correcting her mistakes but now I gotta, I otta. Perfect! A well-placed collage with a respectable amount of photos, check and check I’m done with that part so far. Success! 2018 Abby would be impressed. Ok now let’s fix the other half of her mistakes….

I also have a photoshoot from this year called Expectations, it totally reminds me of 2 Souls On Fire from the album. …Was that all I had to say about it? One random night Matt went out with me and we decided to take pictures of this black dress n shit that I was wearing. Was wearing the dress sideways and after that never saw the dress again, so, you know, pretty typical. Lol. Most stuff I put in a blog post is like fashion I actually care about so then I take good care of it. I’m about to put this bombass clothing rack in my room just have to figure a way to cram it and move out the table, you know how these things go.

 

That was a pretty bomb shoot. I’m deciding to go ahead and post this now, it is how it is, and hopefully I can squeeze in some more posts later. I’ve been putting pics up in my room so much these daze. Also i’ll be selling a lot of clothes as seen on me here. Stay tuned. Stay tuned?! What if I don’t want to?! Look, if you’re really into the kind of clothes I am, I’ll have tons when I flip to my new style store that I have yet to build. I’m sitting on this cool little pink thing in my room right now in my corner and it’s comfy but kinda hurts my butt. Anyway this photoshoot was me trying to show Matt how I liked to be photoshoot while also wearing glittery makeup in the middle of the night and trying not to get busted for being out at 4am taking loud pictures. Not sure what we were high on, but this was one of the first photoshoots we actually even did together, and frankly it’s not a favorite. I’m not gonna go back and fix all the collages into cooler ones, I’ll trust that I already slammed it enough. Unsure of what that meant though. Hahaha.

 

This year I did a shoot with Matt called Expectations inspired by Bebe’s albuml;k’k

j;j’k’ see what language is this? Oh Abby, take care of yourself and your blog, cliff hangers are for rough drafts.

Let me end this on a note that I prefer. So the world expects a lot from me. Maybe the blogger friends I have expect me to write like I’m not hungover. Maybe my boyfriend expects me to not have a few friends that are guys but where are my girl friends? Maybe my parents expect me to curse less and don’t do as many drugs. Maybe my idols expect nothing of me and are actually self-consumed. Maybe Bebe Rexha is expected to automatically love herself but it takes time. We’ll see what I become, we’ll seee what I struggle with, what I triumph, what I do, how I feel….It’s all variables. I’m not afraid of the expectations I place on myself. I just dyed my hair last night (back to red) in the middle of the night with my dad and I finally haven’t been on hard drugs everyday and I finally have like quit cigarettes – none of this was what I was expecting. I wasn’t expecting to love myself so quickly and so fully. It wasn’t a choice, but damn I’m rocking it like it were mine. I love myself dearly and have secured that. I’m working on my second room. I’m improving myself everyday, but hey, I don’t take allll the credit for getting to finally love myself! I just take the benefits. 🙂 Reminds me of Girl in the Mirror by Bebe Rexha…that should be a blog post soon! Stay tuned. I love you all….glad to be back!!!