From my dad’s old apartment being a year of my life with plenty of photoshoots, I’ve got a good start blogging again at my mom’s house. I did a bunch of photoshoots there that I still haven’t posted so even though this new editor is a pain and I don’t know how to collage it very well I’m still proud to be posting again in 2020 (and usually backdating a little) so we’ll see how this one goes. This one was all about this swim-top photoshoot that I did and even again recently did another one to go with it (you’ll see the two of them) then I’m just putting this one picture as the header and then also a featured before continue reading. Hopefully I can get better at this again I know how much I’ve posted in my life and it is a ton but as you can tell my writer’s blog kind of turned into gibberish this year. Oh well, I’m really catching up with photoshoots actually. So let’s just see.
Well I would say that it’s been a while. One year of photoshoots and I’ve completely altered my point of view of myself. I started off struggling to keep a rhythm with how I felt everyday, and yet I was so rhythmic with my blogging to the point of 4-5 posts a month, writing and photoshooting for days, and then a halt! I felt supremely lost and yet still fucking found a way to do my photoshoots until like this summer. That’s kind of when I stepped back to realize that I’ve posted 3 blog posts this year. What does this mean? The entity of suppression. It’s like, some sort of mix between writer’s block and low-self image of my writing intention, in my head? Does that make any sense? Like I do these photoshoots that I think are rad and fun, but I have this sort of suppressive depressive stupid way of not wanting to let the words flow naturally. So as torturous as this year has been for this blog, at least I’m learning to appreciate myself and my photoshoots alll over again. However, taking extra time on this blog post also kinda forced me to think about the SOURCE of the INSPIRATION, not just musically but like, Bea Miller is more than a 20-year-old “That BITCH” kinda lady who rocks out in Seattle twice a year, has pink hair and only wants to feel something, but she’s also a formerly brunette teenage rockstar who released a non-apologetic album at age 15, has grown up into a world of technology and creativity and chooses to associate herself with rad people who ‘chill her vibe’ and accentuate her colors (PINK) and I’ve learned so much about this woman through listening and appreciating. Or, like, cheering. In a crowd. Either way, what started out as me loving her second album Aurora turned into something all the way Outside with Flights of Fancy. What does that even mean anyway?! Outside was like the first song from Bea that inspired me to do a photoshoot, I literally had the song on loop x4 or something outside smoking cigarettes and bending over backwards making funny faces because I was outside, being sassy, bragging about kitchen-table-coffee and also still admiring my fave song from that album. Explains why I got the hand-written lyric sheet for it. (; Okay more about Bea Merch eventually–basically I liked jamming to that song & doing the photoshoot so much that I decided to buy a yellow jumper and even calculated the reprecussions, somehow finding ways to make 3 different chapters speak colorful volumes. I love that words and colors and outfits like to go hand in hand, and even though Aurora is technically older news after a handful of singles this year, I still really love that I did this! At first I was really trying to hone in the album and songs and shit as inspiration but the more fun it got with all those Seattle shoots the more I just really appreciated that Bea is like, a lot like me, in the sense that this entire year of writer’s block all I’ve wanted to do was FEEL something. So many different states of mind and yet I still had to, like, choose between photoshoots or actually writing and completing my posts, so basically all year I’ve been minimalistic with expression, trying to find ways to even ‘create’ per say. BUT, I can finally master the rules I previously bent and find a way to create new chapters out of 2018 outfits that were originally inspired by this bitch! Hey, I’ve had worse years of creative flow. You just wouldn’t BEA-lieve how this girl has pushed forward the stream’s current!
Here’s a sort of recap. So I can’t tell if that’s impressive or oppressive at this point but it’s all the same, rehab in California went fantastic, stayed a month and a half and am now trying to find a way to be less bored and more motivated! But basically May 2018 I started a rough draft of this whole project and after a hectic life of faux crime, writer’s block, stressful evictions and walking in circles, I’m finally back to say something here. Finally. Back bitches. And it’s this Bea Miller post! That I finally get to come back with! My returning debut! Finally or something! I worked pretty dang hard with these shoots. Journey begins probably when apathy is gone, I’m gettin’ there, slowly and surely? Actually pretty freakin’ proud. Want to check it out?
Welcome again to another Miss Understood! Missy was a post I did from this one Idaho shoot and so I was going to file this one back too because it’s old but also featured Matt. So he was wondering after I posted the last one when I was going to get to these ones. I finally am actually, totally just with this shoot I did a little earlier that year. To do it justice it’s finally just one solo shoot, so Miss Understood is a good one finally! I’m finally getting these down. The dress/skirt shirt outfit is from Dolls Kill along with the earrings. I’m definitely going to do another shoot of this same outfit some other time so hopefully people get to seeing this enough for input.Continue reading
So this might be one of the last things I did in 2018- early 2019 but I wanted to post the two ‘white shirt’ shoots that Matt helped me with (at Matt’s place and my dad’s old apartment) to do with Liberation by Xtina and also the Teen Hearts shirt from so long ago – Rot Your Brain. A lot of tethering and tying has happened this last couple of years so this will be one I throw back in 2019 but let me see what I even have to show for this one.
In July of last year, with the last month of my blog before everything became life changing, I had this concept post locked & loaded and was super excited about it. This is the one year anticipated Expectations post, inspired by Bebe Rexha’s incredible and relatable album, Expectations. Track one, opening video; Ferrari, non-pre-choreographed (AKA I made it up on the spot) this was done summer 2018. Featuring the opening track on Bebe’s Expectations album, Ferrari! I gotta say, this month it’s been insanely hectic with different variables and changes of what my Expectations are for myself, for my blog, and for my relationship. Like wow that’s a crap ton when put in perspective. But how I’ve always perceived myself was usually in it’s own innocent way that was infallible time and time again, even when the world pushed me into little corners and stuff like that as if I really am this little girl – how was I ever to get free? I had to like, free myself somehow…Kinda like my Dazey dancing lol, I love the free way I feel when I get to express myself with things like dancing, aww, if only I had dressed cuter though…? Anyway it’s been so long but I’m still going back to fix this post because finally I’m ready to face myself and start blogging way more and expect nothing less from myself because everyday’s a blur but hey I’m here to get better and better as the beautiful soul I am.
July 2018 was crazy but kinda cool. I was a living angel experiencing the life of hard drugs and losing myself, only finding solace in the fact that I was progressing and not just accepting the demise. Still though, my family was going to Idaho later in the month and I had decided the week before that I was going to try to go. That meant needing to get sober in time for it. So I stopped the heroin and the meth, struggled with my own instability and decided to go forward – hard, to get ready enough to survive the trip, and the best part is, even though it was the hardest week of my life (and I never felt more misunderstood and like I was losing myself) the instant that I got home, there was like one hour of getting ready and then I went to go hangout with Matt for the first time by ourselves. I stayed the night with him that night instead of staying at my house and then boom we were together for like, ever. Lol. So that’s how all that started. I’m behind on a lot of old photo shoots but thought I’d do this concept post because I wanted to go deeper on how Matt pretty much saved me from myself and how all that started to begin with. So this is the Missy Understood photoshoot that I did in Idaho, plus the pictures from the family reunion + a short story on how Matt & I fell together. Cue dramatic music. Lol. Also included: of course I picked a song that I did for the Idaho photoshoot but I also have created a conceptual-based playlist called Miss Understood, Hitlist that I’m transferring onto YouTube. And there’s about 5 people that mean the world to me right now as I’m diving into sobriety once again. And this time I’m excited. My vision board journal, my new love of music videos and music DVDs, the rearranging of my room, and the exploration of my new & improved art formations…It’s going to be a good year.
2018 post intro; half finished blog post with a twist in the middle, but will appear to just be me like I always am – it’s acutally interesting how half a year past since I wrote this (below) but I can’t wait to reveal what the fuck has been happening lately. Lol. Life man.
Good morning world, and all of it’s inhabitants. I’m back from another sabbatical leap away from the real world, hiding like a genie in a bottle after you’re done drinking – no but really, I’m back in the real world again. Trying to remember what I want my priorities to be, how I can infuse them into every conversation I have with anyone… That’s actually pretty awesome. I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the subject of my last couple of weeks. I did this shoot and developed this concept in June, the heighth of my dark-red vixen days, inspired by the cool and re-exhumed idea of the Genie in a Bottle. The Xtina concept/version, of course. This kinda thing was born when I noticed the shirt on Nasty Gal was titled Genie in a Bottle. Come on and set me free! How did I even survive this time lol tf.
It’s been hard to get back to writing honestly. I’ve lacked inspiration with every sense of the word. But this post is long overdue. I was supposed to post it a month ago. This goes in conjunction with the AWAKE post, where I did show some pictures of this ‘Altar’ I had going on. This was never the finality of the Altar, this was just how it was for the moment while I was waiting to change it. But it was like this for the majority of the last month and a half, or maybe two months. So I want to show you this altar again, tell you why I included a signed lithograph of Alison Wonderland, and tell you why my altar is my safe place – and why being in Idaho is like being ripped away from the safe place I spent 7 months creating for the safety of my heart, mind, body, soul, future and past. But now mercury is in retrograde so I don’t know how the hell to do this. But here’s the altar, before the altar-ations. The album of the post is of course AWAKE by Alison Wonderland, and what I’ve got running through my head right now is…“Can we be okay?”.
CAN WE BE OKAY??
It’s been one month so I’ve finally picked an official breakup song for this round. It’s Awake by Alison Wonderland! I also got a sickass 5-piece pre-order bundle recently from Alison Wonderland for the ‘Awake’ titled album, so I incorporated that into a photoshoot I did with one of my best peeps of this era. She’s dope, let’s get into this post.
“I get it, I messed up, you pushed it, I fell off
You’ll always be better in your own eyes
Goodbye my friend
It’s been too long
I know you’ve been away
Too much was said
Too much was done
And now I’m wide awake.”
Welcome to the greatest show, the greatest show you’ve ever seen before — this post is the new era. THE new era. The red hair, balayage like Christina 2001. Labret piercing like Xtina 2002. Goodass friends. Cute little models for me this time. Feminism. Loneliness? What comes with a new era… what comes with a new revolution. The way we revolt and the weapons we use. The way we aim and the game we play when we’re ready to slay. We’re girls, take a deep breath and say it loud. CAN’T HOLD US DOWN. ~ conceptually inspired by the 2002 song by Christina Aguilera.
“So. What am I not supposed to, have an opinion? Should I be quiet to speak ’cause I’m a woman? Call me a BITCH ’cause I speak what’s on my mind, when it’s easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled. (((::”…. to be continued press de buttonn.