My life has always been some combination of change and consistencies, the things that kept me balanced or taught me some skill to stay on track. Recently a lot of things have piled up, but at first I really thought it would be something I couldn’t handle or shouldn’t have to deal with. I’m stuck doing these meetings all the time, two different kinds, and I wasn’t expecting to be busy 5 days of the week every day for a while but that’s what it looks like. Something my dad was talking to me about recently was how life throws so many things at you that are unexpected but obviously this teaches you resilience and him and I both agree that we’re good at those kinds of throws from life, just knowing the ground we stand on and how stable we are through the most of it. We also talked a lot about regret this past month and it really said something to me, the way these things would pile on top of me. I’d like, go through all of it and wonder how to sit there and look back at it without it pulling my hair, really. Those two things are something I’m talking about here, but I’ve really relieved a lot of pressure in my life and in my mind by having these conversations with him. Now I love going to these meetings, with every piece of my heart, and I’m back to wearing my heels all the time and putting on my lipsticks. My outfits rock these days and this is my 4th week in a row that I’ve had something to do and somewhere to go every single day of the week. I really absolutely love where I’m at, where I’ve finally gotten into in life, and I’m just having so much fun and actually getting things out of these meetings! I love that I get out and do these things, and even if I haven’t blogged as much recently I still post every fucking month, so I’m not slacking too hard even though I’m way busier now. I feel like I really can create this direction in my life with these toolkits I have gotten from all these meetings, and I have this persistence now that I want to keep up with as I go. I’ve made a bunch of good decisions in the midst of the stupid mistakes that I’ve been throwing in there to tag the regret, but I really see what I chose in life and what good it brings me to be here at this point in time. I believe I’m the person I am because I could be, and because I want to be, every single day of my life and that helps a lot when I’m building myself. I spend a lot of time working on myself these days and I really have everything I need finally, and I’m really proud of this photoshoot! I called it Death Row after the Bebe Rexha song, because I have finally hit a point in my life this week where I really understood and just got it, what I’m doing here. Something clicked in my brain shortly after doing this shoot and I am definitely excited about my future. I see what making changes in your life does, and I feel this positive energy that I keep loving and wanting to express, so I will creatively finally. I really see why I got to this point in my life.Continue reading
Hey guys, this past month I was truly reborn. Slowly but surely my dreams are coming true in the strangest, slowest, confusingest ways possible. So the last day of May I dyed my hair this gorgeous dimensional red and I’m obsessed…with that and my labret lip piercing and I finally felt motivation to write today before the crew comes over and helps me do my greatest comeback shoot. Because here’s the thing. Waiting in my queue was basically just some pics of merch, pics of me in my merch and other gadgets, a couple pics of me with my snake, so I want to cram all of this into one so I can 1. Show you guys this cool stuff — it was put in the queue for a reason. Like each of these, or at least half, were supposed to get spotlight blog posts. But now that’s not what’s happening. I want to take you guys on a journey and show you these loads of merch and a couple other cool things about my last blogshoot days of being brunette. Like how I was for 19 years. I have new stories to share, new craziness or possible excitement to share… And now I get to finish cleaning my room before my peeps arrive and that will start this whole big deal and everyone is excited. Like it’s really super cool that people are this excited about being in my blogshoot. It means freakin’ hella! I’m proud of myself and my blog. The last couple of weeks I sunk into one of the deepest depressions of my life…And after a little support, some new friends, a crazy life hijacking twisty-turny slide, a breakup, a few people to get to know better, like 10 mini rocks later given to people and picked out specially with ones that I feel like resonated with that person, even though each time I gave someone a rock it was my way of saying greetings beautiful stranger, I can tell you’re fuckin’ special. Greetings humans, I want nothing but to treat y’all with love and respect. Pluuuus++++ drugs. Producing music videos. Reaching out of my comfort zone. Dangerous stunts. Learning the way to not take things personally. Understanding people. Missing people. Finding myself. And then there’s also that time that I got pics of my little booty in my Lights booty shorts, too.
90s jeans? 2010 album by Lights? Hot pink tank top? Rhetorical questions + lots of question marks?? What could that mean? The Listening. The Electro-Pop slaying jams that made 2010 as amazing as it was. I was a fan back then, watching the Ice music video in like 2009. But now I take Lights merch to the next level of course, just because I can, and just for lots of fun. You saw me in a 2010 Lights shirt in the photoshoot “Everybody Breaks A Glass” and with a purple 2010 Lights button in Can’t Pin Me Down & others, but this post is all about The Listening album and how it slayed my life past & present even though I think this shirt is from 2009 but yeah same general era anyway. Hahaha. So yeah another outside photoshoot…woo spring!
“Welcome to my Darkness, I’ve been here a while
Clouding up the sunlight, hurting for a smile
Or something, but something always turns into nothing.
Oh, I drain your life ’til there’s nothing left but your bloodshot eyes
Oh, I’ll take my time ’til I show you how I feel inside
Welcome to my Dark Side.”
What do I do when I get tired of all these flights of fancies? What do I do when I’m no longer living for myself, the only real reason I spent the last 19 years alive? When it gets out of hand, and when nobody knows, it can get to you to tire, make you feel like you’re just living to expire. Every word I say sounds the same & I stared blankly at this post for 9 hours with nothing to think and no words to produce and now that I’ve hit rock bottom — of the day — I’m ready to say these things in this manner. Is this a poem or am I trying to write a song or is this just me thinking from a perspective that isn’t usually available for me to dwindle with each day? Like a new snapchat filter that you only use sometimes. A door that you always lose the key to, so long that you forget what lies behind. I found the key and all I can remember is forgetting what it’s for. So come and take a walk with me, let’s sort this out, let’s organize it piece by piece until we find some motherfreakin’ peace. Let’s make the stupid kill-arettes dance in the air, waving like a red beam of give-and-bend light: I’m ready to slay this shoot, are you ready to get my point? Get ready because this was the last photoshoot I did before a series of unjust upside-down twisty-turn slides down into the bottom pit of this ‘real‘ life. Continue reading below for a poetic explanation of how uncool the night of April 12th was and how April 13th ruined my life.
Dear Old Man Jenkins,
These kids and their flying machines. I love and adore you so much more than I ever can express. Everything in our lives right now is scary and complicated and in the air, but you still do so much for me. When I got to live with you in our apartment and grew to know you more as an adult and not as a child, I respected you more and more every day. I see that you’re human but I & everyone I know of thinks you’re a pure soul and we’re baffled as to how. Every single day I wake up and even if on the surface I’m hating on myself for the situation, I really do love myself. I stick up for myself. I watch other people humiliate their worth and I realize they didn’t have you as a cheerleader when they needed it that I did.
Things weren’t always super perfect with us, but my favorite thing is talking to you. Getting to know you, and how you feel. And maybe birthdays aren’t your favorite things..but I need to explain to you that you changed the world with this day 48 years ago, and every second of my life I have been daddy’s little girl because I feel so spiritually and brilliantly connected to you in a way where most people couldn’t even get close to with a parent. It’s heart breaking. You’re not just my parent, you’re you. My best friend, usually my only friend, my main source of support, my confidence boost, my healthy reminders, my reassurance, and I will never ever forget all that you do for me and how you calm me down no matter what. I learn a lot from you so when you think one of my thoughts sounds profound, just know I learned to think in that certain way because of you. Thank you so much for being there for me and I love you a ton.
It’s March, but not only that, it’s springtime as well! I’m so excited to dive into this entirely new season and era of my life with such beautiful things to look forward too and create. Today’s post is another crystal of the month post that I just randomly happened to create and put together, of which I call Amethyst Dreams. March for me was/is a month of Amethyst…protection, learning about myself/wisdom in general, and all that Amethyst has done for me and my life with both meditation and it’s representation alone. Amethyst is probably the stone that I have the most of, other than Rose Quartz–February’s crystal of the month. I have lots of little stones of this, I’ve given away a number of them, as well as jewelry, makeup inspired by the stone…etc. Either way, when I think of amethyst, for me and my life personally I always associate it with protection. It also ties in with the third eye chakra which is probably why I’m so easily and beautifully intuitive. I wanna show you guys my world of amethyst, come right in!
Hey everyone, good morning loves! Kind of a crazy morning for me, I fell asleep before getting ready for bed then woke up and was like “oh I should get ready to sleep” but instead stayed up and ate chocolate. On the bright side, today I finally get to publish this awesome post, of which I’ve been working on for a lil over a month; it’s weird it’s been like a month since I even did a full outfit by myself with details yet I’ve posted lots of other stuff. So this is overdue. Finally another cute outfit to talk more about. I think some of y’all might think this is dope! The rest of you, I don’t really care. Lol, love you all! Let’s get into it though. Read More (below) to dive into this with me. Let’s just see what we have here…
Hey hey. I’ve come here today at 6am after getting like a couple of crappy hours of sleep earlier buuut it’s not like I could sleep now. My head has hurt eternally. Here I am NOT to complain, I actually have better things to talk about. This past month has been pretty crazy and a weird spin of events where all of the sudden I’m on the other side of the mirror, but it’s a good thing. I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be here the whole time, not on that other side which was just a vision of something that I could’ve seen be my life. But it wasn’t my life. That was never really me, as much as I was 2u947827987917491% convinced it was me. Yes I know there’s a u in there and I’m not complaining it makes sense. Lol. It wasn’t me in some aspects, and it broke me down in most of the rest. And then my eyes opened. We sobbed by a car and she opened my eyes. She made me realized I deserve so much better with how my life plays out and how people directly treat me, and it’s crazy that it became such a war around me just for me to withdraw myself from a situation. And I guess that’s the prelude to how she birthed the powerful song, “you dont know”.
Good morning all. Things have been kinda crazy for me lately. Lots of emotion and confusion, but at least I have people in my life who are caring of me. It makes me feel hugged and loved. No matter what I go through I have my fam and sometimes some other surprising characters in the mix and I don’t think anyone truly understands how we bring each other up. Anyway, I thought it was finally about time to post about Madii & I’s photoshoot, which involved chilling in her room. Seems like a weirdass name but I promise you it makes sense…to me. Lol, continue reading.