So this might be one of the last things I did in 2018- early 2019 but I wanted to post the two ‘white shirt’ shoots that Matt helped me with (at Matt’s place and my dad’s old apartment) to do with Liberation by Xtina and also the Teen Hearts shirt from so long ago – Rot Your Brain. A lot of tethering and tying has happened this last couple of years so this will be one I throw back in 2019 but let me see what I even have to show for this one.
In July of last year, with the last month of my blog before everything became life changing, I had this concept post locked & loaded and was super excited about it. This is the one year anticipated Expectations post, inspired by Bebe Rexha’s incredible and relatable album, Expectations. Track one, opening video; Ferrari, non-pre-choreographed (AKA I made it up on the spot) this was done summer 2018. Featuring the opening track on Bebe’s Expectations album, Ferrari! I gotta say, this month it’s been insanely hectic with different variables and changes of what my Expectations are for myself, for my blog, and for my relationship. Like wow that’s a crap ton when put in perspective. But how I’ve always perceived myself was usually in it’s own innocent way that was infallible time and time again, even when the world pushed me into little corners and stuff like that as if I really am this little girl – how was I ever to get free? I had to like, free myself somehow…Kinda like my Dazey dancing lol, I love the free way I feel when I get to express myself with things like dancing, aww, if only I had dressed cuter though…? Anyway it’s been so long but I’m still going back to fix this post because finally I’m ready to face myself and start blogging way more and expect nothing less from myself because everyday’s a blur but hey I’m here to get better and better as the beautiful soul I am.
2018 post intro; half finished blog post with a twist in the middle, but will appear to just be me like I always am – it’s acutally interesting how half a year past since I wrote this (below) but I can’t wait to reveal what the fuck has been happening lately. Lol. Life man.
Good morning world, and all of it’s inhabitants. I’m back from another sabbatical leap away from the real world, hiding like a genie in a bottle after you’re done drinking – no but really, I’m back in the real world again. Trying to remember what I want my priorities to be, how I can infuse them into every conversation I have with anyone… That’s actually pretty awesome. I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the subject of my last couple of weeks. I did this shoot and developed this concept in June, the heighth of my dark-red vixen days, inspired by the cool and re-exhumed idea of the Genie in a Bottle. The Xtina concept/version, of course. This kinda thing was born when I noticed the shirt on Nasty Gal was titled Genie in a Bottle. Come on and set me free! How did I even survive this time lol tf.
Hey guys, this past month I was truly reborn. Slowly but surely my dreams are coming true in the strangest, slowest, confusingest ways possible. So the last day of May I dyed my hair this gorgeous dimensional red and I’m obsessed…with that and my labret lip piercing and I finally felt motivation to write today before the crew comes over and helps me do my greatest comeback shoot. Because here’s the thing. Waiting in my queue was basically just some pics of merch, pics of me in my merch and other gadgets, a couple pics of me with my snake, so I want to cram all of this into one so I can 1. Show you guys this cool stuff — it was put in the queue for a reason. Like each of these, or at least half, were supposed to get spotlight blog posts. But now that’s not what’s happening. I want to take you guys on a journey and show you these loads of merch and a couple other cool things about my last blogshoot days of being brunette. Like how I was for 19 years. I have new stories to share, new craziness or possible excitement to share… And now I get to finish cleaning my room before my peeps arrive and that will start this whole big deal and everyone is excited. Like it’s really super cool that people are this excited about being in my blogshoot. It means freakin’ hella! I’m proud of myself and my blog. The last couple of weeks I sunk into one of the deepest depressions of my life…And after a little support, some new friends, a crazy life hijacking twisty-turny slide, a breakup, a few people to get to know better, like 10 mini rocks later given to people and picked out specially with ones that I feel like resonated with that person, even though each time I gave someone a rock it was my way of saying greetings beautiful stranger, I can tell you’re fuckin’ special. Greetings humans, I want nothing but to treat y’all with love and respect. Pluuuus++++ drugs. Producing music videos. Reaching out of my comfort zone. Dangerous stunts. Learning the way to not take things personally. Understanding people. Missing people. Finding myself. And then there’s also that time that I got pics of my little booty in my Lights booty shorts, too.
What do I do when I get tired of all these flights of fancies? What do I do when I’m no longer living for myself, the only real reason I spent the last 19 years alive? When it gets out of hand, and when nobody knows, it can get to you to tire, make you feel like you’re just living to expire. Every word I say sounds the same & I stared blankly at this post for 9 hours with nothing to think and no words to produce and now that I’ve hit rock bottom — of the day — I’m ready to say these things in this manner. Is this a poem or am I trying to write a song or is this just me thinking from a perspective that isn’t usually available for me to dwindle with each day? Like a new snapchat filter that you only use sometimes. A door that you always lose the key to, so long that you forget what lies behind. I found the key and all I can remember is forgetting what it’s for. So come and take a walk with me, let’s sort this out, let’s organize it piece by piece until we find some motherfreakin’ peace. Let’s make the stupid kill-arettes dance in the air, waving like a red beam of give-and-bend light: I’m ready to slay this shoot, are you ready to get my point? Get ready because this was the last photoshoot I did before a series of unjust upside-down twisty-turn slides down into the bottom pit of this ‘real‘ life. Continue reading below for a poetic explanation of how uncool the night of April 12th was and how April 13th ruined my life.
I can’t see anything in the snow. I can’t see anything except the cold feel on my skin, or the crunch of ice beneath whatever shoes and their level of practicality for the day. I wiggle my toes to see if they’re still there, and they are. And I’m also still breathing. When I take my deepest breath and look around I can learn to see and feel at the same time, but as you may or may not have noticed that’s not a usual thing for people to have adapted yet in regular situations. I embrace the newfound form of my third eye and be thankful I have any eyes. I hear music, and it’s my brothers, and it sounds different than what plays from my speaker. From my heart to my head to my body mind and soul, I hear/feel/see/touch/think/observe differently. But there’s a way to go from So Blind in the Snow (snowblind) to what I’ll introduce to you as “so kind to let it show”. So let me introduce you to not only allll the amethyst stuff I’m wearing from Amethyst Dreams but let me unblind y’all or something. No basically I’ll just show you the Snowblind words and break them down and let you know how I’m feeling and what I’ve overcome with just thinking of my own personal right to have power and feel strength. Blog it baby one more time.
“There are reasons you keep your hands tied
There’s certain things you shouldn’t have tried
So if you gotta tell me something
You better go to the beginning.”
Everybody Breaks A Glass by Lights – Song Inspo of the Post
I have a lot of Lights merch. At one point, I want to catalog all of it, an have it in an organized way where it can be found in the abyss of my other millions of tags and categories of this site. I decided to do a shoot with this Lights shirt that I got that is from her first era, The Listening album, and at first I wanted to make the post about the Listening era/album but the shoot spoke to me as Everybody Breaks A Glass. What I was going through, what I’ve learned and what I’m going through, it really ties into this song. Especially with the state I was in while shooting this outfit. So I got dolled up and ready to shoot this awesome outfit outside infront of these insentient cars, playing around with the sun’s glorious and hidden lighting; and with all of that, I do have a message to share with y’all.
Good morning all. Things have been kinda crazy for me lately. Lots of emotion and confusion, but at least I have people in my life who are caring of me. It makes me feel hugged and loved. No matter what I go through I have my fam and sometimes some other surprising characters in the mix and I don’t think anyone truly understands how we bring each other up. Anyway, I thought it was finally about time to post about Madii & I’s photoshoot, which involved chilling in her room. Seems like a weirdass name but I promise you it makes sense…to me. Lol, continue reading.