July 2018 was crazy but kinda cool. I was a living angel experiencing the life of hard drugs and losing myself, only finding solace in the fact that I was progressing and not just accepting the demise. Still though, my family was going to Idaho later in the month and I had decided the week before that I was going to try to go. That meant needing to get sober in time for it. So I stopped the heroin and the meth, struggled with my own instability and decided to go forward – hard, to get ready enough to survive the trip, and the best part is, even though it was the hardest week of my life (and I never felt more misunderstood and like I was losing myself) the instant that I got home, there was like one hour of getting ready and then I went to go hangout with Matt for the first time by ourselves. I stayed the night with him that night instead of staying at my house and then boom we were together for like, ever. Lol. So that’s how all that started. I’m behind on a lot of old photo shoots but thought I’d do this concept post because I wanted to go deeper on how Matt pretty much saved me from myself and how all that started to begin with. So this is the Missy Understood photoshoot that I did in Idaho, plus the pictures from the family reunion + a short story on how Matt & I fell together. Cue dramatic music. Lol. Also included: of course I picked a song that I did for the Idaho photoshoot but I also have created a conceptual-based playlist called Miss Understood, Hitlist that I’m transferring onto YouTube. And there’s about 5 people that mean the world to me right now as I’m diving into sobriety once again. And this time I’m excited. My vision board journal, my new love of music videos and music DVDs, the rearranging of my room, and the exploration of my new & improved art formations…It’s going to be a good year.
It’s been hard to get back to writing honestly. I’ve lacked inspiration with every sense of the word. But this post is long overdue. I was supposed to post it a month ago. This goes in conjunction with the AWAKE post, where I did show some pictures of this ‘Altar’ I had going on. This was never the finality of the Altar, this was just how it was for the moment while I was waiting to change it. But it was like this for the majority of the last month and a half, or maybe two months. So I want to show you this altar again, tell you why I included a signed lithograph of Alison Wonderland, and tell you why my altar is my safe place – and why being in Idaho is like being ripped away from the safe place I spent 7 months creating for the safety of my heart, mind, body, soul, future and past. But now mercury is in retrograde so I don’t know how the hell to do this. But here’s the altar, before the altar-ations. The album of the post is of course AWAKE by Alison Wonderland, and what I’ve got running through my head right now is…“Can we be okay?”.
CAN WE BE OKAY??
It’s been one month so I’ve finally picked an official breakup song for this round. It’s Awake by Alison Wonderland! I also got a sickass 5-piece pre-order bundle recently from Alison Wonderland for the ‘Awake’ titled album, so I incorporated that into a photoshoot I did with one of my best peeps of this era. She’s dope, let’s get into this post.
“I get it, I messed up, you pushed it, I fell off
You’ll always be better in your own eyes
Goodbye my friend
It’s been too long
I know you’ve been away
Too much was said
Too much was done
And now I’m wide awake.”
“Welcome to my Darkness, I’ve been here a while
Clouding up the sunlight, hurting for a smile
Or something, but something always turns into nothing.
Oh, I drain your life ’til there’s nothing left but your bloodshot eyes
Oh, I’ll take my time ’til I show you how I feel inside
Welcome to my Dark Side.”
It’s me again. I’m blogging for dayyyys. I’ve really been thinking a lot about the word Integrity lately and I wanted to touch on that a little bit. However, today is also the 1st birthday of these awesome flame boots that I got from Nasty Gal, and I wanted to also make this a duo-appreciation post where we could appreciate those boots in all their glory of just one year of Shopping For Days. These boots have kicked some ass! This will also give a sneak peak of my upcoming blogshoot, Dark Side, which will begin my whole new era.
Happy birthday, flame boots! Yes, I am definitely making a blog post solely about my fire boots & integrity.
They made their first appearance in Peachy & Keen, on May 10th, 2017.
You can check out that blog post here.
Dear Old Man Jenkins,
These kids and their flying machines. I love and adore you so much more than I ever can express. Everything in our lives right now is scary and complicated and in the air, but you still do so much for me. When I got to live with you in our apartment and grew to know you more as an adult and not as a child, I respected you more and more every day. I see that you’re human but I & everyone I know of thinks you’re a pure soul and we’re baffled as to how. Every single day I wake up and even if on the surface I’m hating on myself for the situation, I really do love myself. I stick up for myself. I watch other people humiliate their worth and I realize they didn’t have you as a cheerleader when they needed it that I did.
Things weren’t always super perfect with us, but my favorite thing is talking to you. Getting to know you, and how you feel. And maybe birthdays aren’t your favorite things..but I need to explain to you that you changed the world with this day 48 years ago, and every second of my life I have been daddy’s little girl because I feel so spiritually and brilliantly connected to you in a way where most people couldn’t even get close to with a parent. It’s heart breaking. You’re not just my parent, you’re you. My best friend, usually my only friend, my main source of support, my confidence boost, my healthy reminders, my reassurance, and I will never ever forget all that you do for me and how you calm me down no matter what. I learn a lot from you so when you think one of my thoughts sounds profound, just know I learned to think in that certain way because of you. Thank you so much for being there for me and I love you a ton.
HAPPY 18th ANNIVERSARY OF YOUR BIRTH, MY LOVE!
As you were blooming in Audra’s beautiful belly you were welcomed into the world as Ivy Katherine Green, which also became the most perfect name for your music to release for the moment or two. It’s cool to have your identity separated like that, but not in a way where you’re different people. You’re also Ally Smith, who looks like your mother Adriana too (even though you don’t have her same genetics) you grew up with all these traits that you’ve been finding and seeking and learning and growing about for 18 freaking years and you’re really becoming this beautiful human – no longer able at all to be considered an ’empty shell’, but when I listen to you patiently with no expectations I hear the ocean so cogently, as if that’s really what you are. You’re full of so much fucking magic but it’s not quite ocean magic – you definitely have gotten a lot of magic from the ocean and based a lot of your life and songs off of the ocean. It’s your favorite place, angel. But when I look at you you’re not even a shell. Not full nor empty, not really anything to do with a shell, but yet you encased yourself in a shell like a turtle, truly. That’s what was really happening.
You lifted the shell and you let me inside, and I walked in to find the place wayyyyy bigger and more complicated and beautiful than you make it look on the outside. And you said Abby, go ahead and learn about me, go ahead and learn and see. So the journey began, one of the millions of times that the journey began…and here we are, almost 3 years later, finding different things in our shells and breathing different words in our embraces. I love you, Alexandra Marie Devon Smith. Happy 18th rotation around the sun. Happy legality of buying your own cigarettes. Let’s rule this world hand in hand, babygirl.
My dears, if you know my mom and I, you know how we are. And I hope that with every person we come in contact with, we show them how we love. I think my mom raised me with so much love and taught me love until around this age where now I think we both teach each other more about love and understanding every day. I know I posted that small thing on Facebook that everyone thought was sweet about her and I, however that was just one piece of what I was gonna throw in this post at some point, so if you read that, well…Read this. 😉 The story begins with – like I said, – love and kindness and compassion, and the fact that she is fun with me and yet still has lots of respect for my intellect is like…the best feeling in the entire world. It’s hard to feel alone when even just your mom/ConBon brings the energy of a concert (without the negativity) into whatever room. So I guess you could say we’re besties.
My intuition is so beautifully prominent lately. For months I started doing things like meditating and then on top of that I started collecting lots of crystals, and everyone says my room has a relaxing vibe and that’s totally why. There’s so much power in the world, and power in general scares…everyone, really. At certain points. Unless it’s EMpowering, with your solar plexus chakra opening and flowing like the perfect temperature and wind level of a spring day. Ya feel? Maybe none of this makes sense to you, but here’s something that will.
It’s back to the intuition thing. I want you guys to understand that like…struggling, having worse days than others, and having a lower point in your life doesn’t have to be scary. It doesn’t have to scare you at all, unless you choose to have it scare you, and a lot of times that does make sense! But. I wanna tell you this really cool story on why I wasn’t even worried when I started my very first day of January hungover af, because I had this revelation that January would be wobbly while I’m searching for balance and idk, I seriously thought “Once it’s February I’ll progress more. It’ll be easier for me to blog, it’ll be easier for me to get up and want to live each day, and each day will start making sense.” Because around the time of the Lights concert (the 2nd of Feb) I started finding puzzle pieces that were seriously just sitting there very calmly waiting for me, and they were imperative to me finding meaning in the unfinished picture. So I stood up, I looked at the finished puzzle, smiled, and now I’m starting another one. Or another game. Or some other analogy. SO, why do you care? Read more plzz…
Good evening all! Happy month of Valentine’s Day, and happy Tuesday Evening!! Haha. Today I get to talk about the crystal that really sparked my love for crystals to begin with, Rose Quartz. I really wanted to capture & harness their love & beauty from the beginning when I found out how full of love they all are. So it’s February now and I’m making Rose Quartz my crystal of the month (last month was blue calcite if you caught that) because not only is it so important to me but it’s all about love, and February is supposedly the month of love! Although personally I like to spread love and give gifts to loved ones all the time, but sure we can pretend like there’s just one love-day. 😉 Anyway, the more I paid attention to the love of Rose Quartz, the more I felt it. Then I started reading articles where Miranda Kerr would talk about rose quartz and it’s love and I thought that was so beautiful, man I love her books and I love her affirmation cards and Kora Organics changed my life and I owe so much to this beautiful person. Anyway, Miranda is a totally good example of someone who loves rose quartz as much as me and she’s actually the one who gave me the idea to have it in so many places; not to mention, she created a luminizer out of crushed rose quartz! It’s brilliant! Let me show you some of these love-pieces.