July 2018 was crazy but kinda cool. I was a living angel experiencing the life of hard drugs and losing myself, only finding solace in the fact that I was progressing and not just accepting the demise. Still though, my family was going to Idaho later in the month and I had decided the week before that I was going to try to go. That meant needing to get sober in time for it. So I stopped the heroin and the meth, struggled with my own instability and decided to go forward – hard, to get ready enough to survive the trip, and the best part is, even though it was the hardest week of my life (and I never felt more misunderstood and like I was losing myself) the instant that I got home, there was like one hour of getting ready and then I went to go hangout with Matt for the first time by ourselves. I stayed the night with him that night instead of staying at my house and then boom we were together for like, ever. Lol. So that’s how all that started. I’m behind on a lot of old photo shoots but thought I’d do this concept post because I wanted to go deeper on how Matt pretty much saved me from myself and how all that started to begin with. So this is the Missy Understood photoshoot that I did in Idaho, plus the pictures from the family reunion + a short story on how Matt & I fell together. Cue dramatic music. Lol. Also included: of course I picked a song that I did for the Idaho photoshoot but I also have created a conceptual-based playlist called Miss Understood, Hitlist that I’m transferring onto YouTube. And there’s about 5 people that mean the world to me right now as I’m diving into sobriety once again. And this time I’m excited. My vision board journal, my new love of music videos and music DVDs, the rearranging of my room, and the exploration of my new & improved art formations…It’s going to be a good year.
2018 post intro; half finished blog post with a twist in the middle, but will appear to just be me like I always am – it’s acutally interesting how half a year past since I wrote this (below) but I can’t wait to reveal what the fuck has been happening lately. Lol. Life man.
Good morning world, and all of it’s inhabitants. I’m back from another sabbatical leap away from the real world, hiding like a genie in a bottle after you’re done drinking – no but really, I’m back in the real world again. Trying to remember what I want my priorities to be, how I can infuse them into every conversation I have with anyone… That’s actually pretty awesome. I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the subject of my last couple of weeks. I did this shoot and developed this concept in June, the heighth of my dark-red vixen days, inspired by the cool and re-exhumed idea of the Genie in a Bottle. The Xtina concept/version, of course. This kinda thing was born when I noticed the shirt on Nasty Gal was titled Genie in a Bottle. Come on and set me free! How did I even survive this time lol tf.
It’s been hard to get back to writing honestly. I’ve lacked inspiration with every sense of the word. But this post is long overdue. I was supposed to post it a month ago. This goes in conjunction with the AWAKE post, where I did show some pictures of this ‘Altar’ I had going on. This was never the finality of the Altar, this was just how it was for the moment while I was waiting to change it. But it was like this for the majority of the last month and a half, or maybe two months. So I want to show you this altar again, tell you why I included a signed lithograph of Alison Wonderland, and tell you why my altar is my safe place – and why being in Idaho is like being ripped away from the safe place I spent 7 months creating for the safety of my heart, mind, body, soul, future and past. But now mercury is in retrograde so I don’t know how the hell to do this. But here’s the altar, before the altar-ations. The album of the post is of course AWAKE by Alison Wonderland, and what I’ve got running through my head right now is…“Can we be okay?”.
CAN WE BE OKAY??
Welcome to the greatest show, the greatest show you’ve ever seen before — this post is the new era. THE new era. The red hair, balayage like Christina 2001. Labret piercing like Xtina 2002. Goodass friends. Cute little models for me this time. Feminism. Loneliness? What comes with a new era… what comes with a new revolution. The way we revolt and the weapons we use. The way we aim and the game we play when we’re ready to slay. We’re girls, take a deep breath and say it loud. CAN’T HOLD US DOWN. ~ conceptually inspired by the 2002 song by Christina Aguilera.
“So. What am I not supposed to, have an opinion? Should I be quiet to speak ’cause I’m a woman? Call me a BITCH ’cause I speak what’s on my mind, when it’s easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled. (((::”…. to be continued press de buttonn.
Hey guys, this past month I was truly reborn. Slowly but surely my dreams are coming true in the strangest, slowest, confusingest ways possible. So the last day of May I dyed my hair this gorgeous dimensional red and I’m obsessed…with that and my labret lip piercing and I finally felt motivation to write today before the crew comes over and helps me do my greatest comeback shoot. Because here’s the thing. Waiting in my queue was basically just some pics of merch, pics of me in my merch and other gadgets, a couple pics of me with my snake, so I want to cram all of this into one so I can 1. Show you guys this cool stuff — it was put in the queue for a reason. Like each of these, or at least half, were supposed to get spotlight blog posts. But now that’s not what’s happening. I want to take you guys on a journey and show you these loads of merch and a couple other cool things about my last blogshoot days of being brunette. Like how I was for 19 years. I have new stories to share, new craziness or possible excitement to share… And now I get to finish cleaning my room before my peeps arrive and that will start this whole big deal and everyone is excited. Like it’s really super cool that people are this excited about being in my blogshoot. It means freakin’ hella! I’m proud of myself and my blog. The last couple of weeks I sunk into one of the deepest depressions of my life…And after a little support, some new friends, a crazy life hijacking twisty-turny slide, a breakup, a few people to get to know better, like 10 mini rocks later given to people and picked out specially with ones that I feel like resonated with that person, even though each time I gave someone a rock it was my way of saying greetings beautiful stranger, I can tell you’re fuckin’ special. Greetings humans, I want nothing but to treat y’all with love and respect. Pluuuus++++ drugs. Producing music videos. Reaching out of my comfort zone. Dangerous stunts. Learning the way to not take things personally. Understanding people. Missing people. Finding myself. And then there’s also that time that I got pics of my little booty in my Lights booty shorts, too.
I can’t see anything in the snow. I can’t see anything except the cold feel on my skin, or the crunch of ice beneath whatever shoes and their level of practicality for the day. I wiggle my toes to see if they’re still there, and they are. And I’m also still breathing. When I take my deepest breath and look around I can learn to see and feel at the same time, but as you may or may not have noticed that’s not a usual thing for people to have adapted yet in regular situations. I embrace the newfound form of my third eye and be thankful I have any eyes. I hear music, and it’s my brothers, and it sounds different than what plays from my speaker. From my heart to my head to my body mind and soul, I hear/feel/see/touch/think/observe differently. But there’s a way to go from So Blind in the Snow (snowblind) to what I’ll introduce to you as “so kind to let it show”. So let me introduce you to not only allll the amethyst stuff I’m wearing from Amethyst Dreams but let me unblind y’all or something. No basically I’ll just show you the Snowblind words and break them down and let you know how I’m feeling and what I’ve overcome with just thinking of my own personal right to have power and feel strength. Blog it baby one more time.
Dear Old Man Jenkins,
These kids and their flying machines. I love and adore you so much more than I ever can express. Everything in our lives right now is scary and complicated and in the air, but you still do so much for me. When I got to live with you in our apartment and grew to know you more as an adult and not as a child, I respected you more and more every day. I see that you’re human but I & everyone I know of thinks you’re a pure soul and we’re baffled as to how. Every single day I wake up and even if on the surface I’m hating on myself for the situation, I really do love myself. I stick up for myself. I watch other people humiliate their worth and I realize they didn’t have you as a cheerleader when they needed it that I did.
Things weren’t always super perfect with us, but my favorite thing is talking to you. Getting to know you, and how you feel. And maybe birthdays aren’t your favorite things..but I need to explain to you that you changed the world with this day 48 years ago, and every second of my life I have been daddy’s little girl because I feel so spiritually and brilliantly connected to you in a way where most people couldn’t even get close to with a parent. It’s heart breaking. You’re not just my parent, you’re you. My best friend, usually my only friend, my main source of support, my confidence boost, my healthy reminders, my reassurance, and I will never ever forget all that you do for me and how you calm me down no matter what. I learn a lot from you so when you think one of my thoughts sounds profound, just know I learned to think in that certain way because of you. Thank you so much for being there for me and I love you a ton.
“Waited a long time for this, feels right now
Allow me to introduce myself. Want you to come a little closer. I’d like you to get to know me better. Meet the real me.” – Stripped pt. 1 (track 1)
I’m in love with Christina Aguilera‘s second album Stripped right now, because each song has played such a big role in the last month that I’ve been dwelling on it, and applying it gently to my situations and creating new perspectives here and there. I’m a lot more aware in so many ways. When I did this shoot I named it Keep On Singin’ My Song because that was the most relatable at that moment, and the way I related to it was on the tail-end of getting over some stupid crap in my life. After March 18th, one of the most beautiful and sentimental and fun and adventurous nights of my life, I finally got my closure, but earlier this month, the only thing that kept me going was to keep on singing these songs. I’m breaking into the music shizz slowly and miss Ivy K. Green is going to help me as we write together (You Don’t Know) and I’m totally gonna have her help me cover some songs for her. I got closure, but now I’m going to keep on singing my songs because I’m so twitter-patted and infatuated with this passionate & pure poison ivy/love of my life and makes taking risks look like just…living. As it should always look of course. Read more.
It’s March, but not only that, it’s springtime as well! I’m so excited to dive into this entirely new season and era of my life with such beautiful things to look forward too and create. Today’s post is another crystal of the month post that I just randomly happened to create and put together, of which I call Amethyst Dreams. March for me was/is a month of Amethyst…protection, learning about myself/wisdom in general, and all that Amethyst has done for me and my life with both meditation and it’s representation alone. Amethyst is probably the stone that I have the most of, other than Rose Quartz–February’s crystal of the month. I have lots of little stones of this, I’ve given away a number of them, as well as jewelry, makeup inspired by the stone…etc. Either way, when I think of amethyst, for me and my life personally I always associate it with protection. It also ties in with the third eye chakra which is probably why I’m so easily and beautifully intuitive. I wanna show you guys my world of amethyst, come right in!
My intuition is so beautifully prominent lately. For months I started doing things like meditating and then on top of that I started collecting lots of crystals, and everyone says my room has a relaxing vibe and that’s totally why. There’s so much power in the world, and power in general scares…everyone, really. At certain points. Unless it’s EMpowering, with your solar plexus chakra opening and flowing like the perfect temperature and wind level of a spring day. Ya feel? Maybe none of this makes sense to you, but here’s something that will.
It’s back to the intuition thing. I want you guys to understand that like…struggling, having worse days than others, and having a lower point in your life doesn’t have to be scary. It doesn’t have to scare you at all, unless you choose to have it scare you, and a lot of times that does make sense! But. I wanna tell you this really cool story on why I wasn’t even worried when I started my very first day of January hungover af, because I had this revelation that January would be wobbly while I’m searching for balance and idk, I seriously thought “Once it’s February I’ll progress more. It’ll be easier for me to blog, it’ll be easier for me to get up and want to live each day, and each day will start making sense.” Because around the time of the Lights concert (the 2nd of Feb) I started finding puzzle pieces that were seriously just sitting there very calmly waiting for me, and they were imperative to me finding meaning in the unfinished picture. So I stood up, I looked at the finished puzzle, smiled, and now I’m starting another one. Or another game. Or some other analogy. SO, why do you care? Read more plzz…