“Scary World!”

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In 2019 I did so much for myself and my photography, I really did. With the slowing down in 2018 up until the half (and the backdated) like It’s Not U (being one of the only posts I posted in 2019) and all the hair changes, well I’ve finally zeroed down at this point with my hair growing out and toning down… So now I’m here with my half-balayage and my room at my moms again just to be back here posting. I’ve got thousands of pictures of me at my moms, all so different, and fixing my set-up comes soon even. The biggest 2020 addition to my room was the magazine rack, and I’m back with my CD Collection as well, which was always here. So let me tell you a bit about my photography and my merchandise and how it intertwines with my style and my inspiration. One of my only regrets was doing a shoot like Liberation with Matt’s dirty mirror and then not having anything to write about with it, it being the last thing I did in 2018 for my blog. So whatever lack of connection there can’t change my ambition, I’ve seriously found a new ambition. It’s almost hard to explain but one day I just sat in my chair with my hair up, knowing that none of my extensions will fit me for a while, and got pictures of my Playboy shirt from Missguided. I don’t think I ever got pictures of that lot of clothes, something I would’ve done a couple years ago. Like a NastyGal box of clothes that I filed in my book with the order receipt, each thing on the list marked off into pictures, and I kept track. Seriously I used to not miss a thing with my blog. But inspired by Billie I recently cut the nightmare white graphic tees into a crop top and came back home to take a million pictures, not minding that I was cutting out my face. This is where I cross paths to things like CelebrityMerchBase to keep track of all those cool merch shirts I’ve gotten. I even missed that Billie concert but still got the shirts even. This post is about those two things. No wonder about Playboy Style or Billie’s. I named this Scary World! as a good one so thanks all for another Shop For Days post!

Playboy Gold in Scarier
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No Tears Left!

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One of my favorite things ever is when I get this wind of inspiration to do a shoot in whatever I’m wearing, I’ve been connecting photoshoots to other days like a playlist! So in August 2019 I got my hair done at Gene Juarez after I dyed it (with Lime Crime’s Valentine) and did this photoshoot outside with Matt and even in the rain I got some interesting pictures. I always thought this was a really interesting shoot. I’ll start with that off the plate. I haven’t cried in months though so here’s another small shoot with a last year. Hahaha.

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Passion, Pain & Prosperity

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This is a post I’ve been waiting for, with 3 different dated photoshoots. Two are from 2019 but the last one is definitely recent. I used to relate every photoshoot I did to a song or album at least, and there are songs that coordinate to these, but it’s a bit different. I had the Tove Lo vinyl signed poster up for the longest time actually so I threw in Passion & Pain for a headline for this one, but yeah as slow as I can go I still am excited for these shoots. Whatever tastes the same as pleasure! Pursue. Prosper.

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How To Live Fast

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From my dad’s old apartment being a year of my life with plenty of photoshoots, I’ve got a good start blogging again at my mom’s house. I did a bunch of photoshoots there that I still haven’t posted so even though this new editor is a pain and I don’t know how to collage it very well I’m still proud to be posting again in 2020 (and usually backdating a little) so we’ll see how this one goes. This one was all about this swim-top photoshoot that I did and even again recently did another one to go with it (you’ll see the two of them) then I’m just putting this one picture as the header and then also a featured before continue reading. Hopefully I can get better at this again I know how much I’ve posted in my life and it is a ton but as you can tell my writer’s blog kind of turned into gibberish this year. Oh well, I’m really catching up with photoshoots actually. So let’s just see.

At the House Again

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Solved The Problem

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Something I should’ve always probably done is explain both sides of my coin. Solution verses efforts, and a reflection of progress on both sides of the pursuit, like how some posts have the best groups of pictures and others are written very well! But every time there’s a loose key like “I took these pictures way too long ago/something has changed since then” or “I can barely think of what to write but once I start going I’m inspired to”. The dangers of that to me were just taking a little too long to run on a sentence. I’d rather run water right about now. This fun cherry red scalp photoshoot is a good representation of something. Whether it’s cycling or adjustments I usually end up finding a way to one of the 3 main things to do…Writing, Shooting, or Editing. Photoshoots like mine are starting to mean the world to me, I can’t believe how long it’s taken me to realize some of these things. Like even though there’s no 2020 to this post I’m probably still writing this in late 2020. But it could go anywhere! Here I’ll keep my Conscious Notes & Skid Marks here to prove something. Like how I think A Lonely Play of Cards was still almost my playlist back when I did this shoot. Or how much advice I’ve secretly taken from people about my blog or what I’ve even sent about it before I ever posted about these things. Then pictures like this don’t become stale to me actually! And advice is a small difference between “I’ve read it finally!” and how most people who don’t mind talking to me about blogging get way more interesting of chimes with me than people who don’t care. But the thing is I have plenty of people to talk to these days (finally) about my blog! Exclusive verses excluded pictures, outtakes! My favorite one in context or what I’m working on right now. My recent playlist or my favorite one of the era. Recent playlists to me are usually supposed to take your recently added music, draw shapes into titles and names, and then shuffle the playlist once it’s filled out. To create that formula. There was a point in time where I did In Star Style but that ended in like, August, and then after that I created Expression as a top playlist but it doesn’t have as many tracks as my old ones! Even all my A named playlists have over 100-200 tracks of them, respectively. But when working on a vibe of one thing it wouldn’t matter that it was mostly K.Flay who I listened around then, or at least that’s what I was thinkin’. 2019 was a great year for that. But the thing about playlists verses era is I’m really good at grinding out reasons to do anything. So I’m naming this that and just going to throw it up there.

Brainstorming – August to November 2020 Mark

Save Yourself vs. That Bitch in terms of amount; 36 to 58 just to only 19 edits

Plus Save Yourself + Display 2019, 100+s but Full Sized Solved Shoot Stuck

Full-Sized Picture Collages, One Featured Photoshoot

August 15th, 2019
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On a Slow Overdrive

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Like a slow drive that I desperately know, I hope this gives me everything I’m missing. Hippie Sabotage used to be what I called this photoshoot until I actually wanted to post it. Now I kind of am, right before Die Hard Dreamer which was better. So backdating. Under My Skin is one of my favorite songs from that guy actually. Hopefully I can be what I need until I’m ending because on a drive to me is gears churning. But wow I can really write like this weird way. Oh well! Shopping Cart Shoot!

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Save Yourself

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The thing I love the most about this photoshoot is that beyond my red hair being a draw, I was really able to express myself. Maybe painting the picture & including red is sometimes the point, almost like just in this room I’ve done an almost-blonde shoot that spoke very differently about me. And I did this myself! It is definitely 2020 that I’m doing this, with a point to be throw across from August 2019 – I can’t even believe how much I have to express about this one though. Without pressure, without self-deprecation or judgement, I can post a photoshoot like this and spit it back like it’s resounding. And as for this concert tee, or this concert, which was incredible, I’m really glad to be sporting the red hair with it like Lights and her bright red hair & coordinating merchandise. The concert was incredible, so glad I did a shoot for the shirt. So at least I have this photoshoot to post! It is a long photoshoot. Haha.

I always thought there was a million different ways to wear my graphic tees/merchandise styles. I have way too many photoshoots of merchandise shirts and I’m going to go through all the posts in bulk one day and dissect them for the pictures. That’ll be rad! Read more to see the rest of this shoot.

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it’s not u, it’s Me

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Well I would say that it’s been a while. One year of photoshoots and I’ve completely altered my point of view of myself. I started off struggling to keep a rhythm with how I felt everyday, and yet I was so rhythmic with my blogging to the point of 4-5 posts a month, writing and photoshooting for days, and then a halt! I felt supremely lost and yet still fucking found a way to do my photoshoots until like this summer. That’s kind of when I stepped back to realize that I’ve posted 3 blog posts this year. What does this mean? The entity of suppression. It’s like, some sort of mix between writer’s block and low-self image of my writing intention, in my head? Does that make any sense? Like I do these photoshoots that I think are rad and fun, but I have this sort of suppressive depressive stupid way of not wanting to let the words flow naturally. So as torturous as this year has been for this blog, at least I’m learning to appreciate myself and my photoshoots alll over again. However, taking extra time on this blog post also kinda forced me to think about the SOURCE of the INSPIRATION, not just musically but like, Bea Miller is more than a 20-year-old “That BITCH” kinda lady who rocks out in Seattle twice a year, has pink hair and only wants to feel something, but she’s also a formerly brunette teenage rockstar who released a non-apologetic album at age 15, has grown up into a world of technology and creativity and chooses to associate herself with rad people who ‘chill her vibe’ and accentuate her colors (PINK) and I’ve learned so much about this woman through listening and appreciating. Or, like, cheering. In a crowd. Either way, what started out as me loving her second album Aurora turned into something all the way Outside with Flights of Fancy. What does that even mean anyway?! Outside was like the first song from Bea that inspired me to do a photoshoot, I literally had the song on loop x4 or something outside smoking cigarettes and bending over backwards making funny faces because I was outside, being sassy, bragging about kitchen-table-coffee and also still admiring my fave song from that album. Explains why I got the hand-written lyric sheet for it. (; Okay more about Bea Merch eventually–basically I liked jamming to that song & doing the photoshoot so much that I decided to buy a yellow jumper and even calculated the reprecussions, somehow finding ways to make 3 different chapters speak colorful volumes. I love that words and colors and outfits like to go hand in hand, and even though Aurora is technically older news after a handful of singles this year, I still really love that I did this! At first I was really trying to hone in the album and songs and shit as inspiration but the more fun it got with all those Seattle shoots the more I just really appreciated that Bea is like, a lot like me, in the sense that this entire year of writer’s block all I’ve wanted to do was FEEL something. So many different states of mind and yet I still had to, like, choose between photoshoots or actually writing and completing my posts, so basically all year I’ve been minimalistic with expression, trying to find ways to even ‘create’ per say. BUT, I can finally master the rules I previously bent and find a way to create new chapters out of 2018 outfits that were originally inspired by this bitch! Hey, I’ve had worse years of creative flow. You just wouldn’t BEA-lieve how this girl has pushed forward the stream’s current!

it's not u, it's me.JPG

Here’s a sort of recap. So I can’t tell if that’s impressive or oppressive at this point but it’s all the same, rehab in California went fantastic, stayed a month and a half and am now trying to find a way to be less bored and more motivated! But basically May 2018 I started a rough draft of this whole project and after a hectic life of faux crime, writer’s block, stressful evictions and walking in circles, I’m finally back to say something here. Finally. Back bitches. And it’s this Bea Miller post! That I finally get to come back with! My returning debut! Finally or something! I worked pretty dang hard with these shoots. Journey begins probably when apathy is gone, I’m gettin’ there, slowly and surely? Actually pretty freakin’ proud. Want to check it out?

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DIE HARD DREAM.

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One of the next old photoshoots I have left is this one inspired by Miley’s She Is Coming EP that I was probably listening to – I called it Dream actually. So Die Hard Dream is another I’m throwing up and it’s more about how I looked with the cigarette vs. the weed, why I had both is something I actually really miss sometimes but you’ll see once I show the shoot why it’s a little different actually. So my dream (cont.) is to be in this stabilized mindset of inspiration. I’m naturally really inspired but there’s a halt sometimes. Things like this are like the kind of glue that makes you work right.

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YOU GO, GIRL.

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Apparently this was a July almost of auburn hair. Not all the time between bleach and red did I have the prettiest of hair but I’ve always liked how mellow it looked with that typical salt crystal in every bed picture. And let me tell you the hanging-off my bed shoots were always some of my favorites over time. Like the back of my business cards. Well I came back to change some of the writing of this post before I push forward. So basically these were the painted jeans that my friend helped me wreck with paint and the bleached shirt that another friend did. Generally speaking I’m thankful for both of those things but you have no idea how cycling works of my closet without understanding the hair at different times thing. Seriously, I’ll get better at coordinating the hair things. For now, you go, girl! I thought these were perfect for me as a blogger.

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