My intuition is so beautifully prominent lately. For months I started doing things like meditating and then on top of that I started collecting lots of crystals, and everyone says my room has a relaxing vibe and that’s totally why. There’s so much power in the world, and power in general scares…everyone, really. At certain points. Unless it’s EMpowering, with your solar plexus chakra opening and flowing like the perfect temperature and wind level of a spring day. Ya feel? Maybe none of this makes sense to you, but here’s something that will.
It’s back to the intuition thing. I want you guys to understand that like…struggling, having worse days than others, and having a lower point in your life doesn’t have to be scary. It doesn’t have to scare you at all, unless you choose to have it scare you, and a lot of times that does make sense! But. I wanna tell you this really cool story on why I wasn’t even worried when I started my very first day of January hungover af, because I had this revelation that January would be wobbly while I’m searching for balance and idk, I seriously thought “Once it’s February I’ll progress more. It’ll be easier for me to blog, it’ll be easier for me to get up and want to live each day, and each day will start making sense.” Because around the time of the Lights concert (the 2nd of Feb) I started finding puzzle pieces that were seriously just sitting there very calmly waiting for me, and they were imperative to me finding meaning in the unfinished picture. So I stood up, I looked at the finished puzzle, smiled, and now I’m starting another one. Or another game. Or some other analogy. SO, why do you care? Read more plzz…
“That’s great Abby you completed a puzzle and now things are easier for you in February. What does that have to do with me?” It wasn’t at all just the January-wobbles and February-balance thing I discovered earlier that year (that of which made me seriously like, okay while things were supposedly downwards. I chose not to focus on that part, didn’t care, was busy finding the smaller things once in a while). Ahh sooo much to say. This all means a lot to me. Let’s start another paragraph and see if it finds the point.
My instinct, my inner voice, my intuition, my third eye, my faith in the universe, it becomes more and more obvious every day. Every day I start seeing the connections of this and that and why this and that happened to this person, and it’s def not my job to figure anything out but that’s the thing: It’s subconscious! It’s amazing to have so many thoughts in my subconscious that are there throughout every day that sometimes come out in ways where I’m trying to pick out what to wear, and my first instinct is my Mother Denim jeans but all my logic was like uh no that does not go with this at all. So I tried on other jeans, thought about it more and then was like what the heck I’ll try the Mother jeans. Total perfection. A LOOK. One to be proud of. Diverse. My normality (conscious thoughts) is full of logic and all these fantastic things and like a ton of the time, it’s correct, and it helps me. But. Sometimes I know things or feel things or have ideas and I don’t have any thoughts or logic to back it up, at all really, but sometimes they ring to be so true like a beautiful bell sound in my head where my soul could hear it but my eardrums didn’t have to notice. It’s there though, there’s angels in my heart and soul and mind, and they’re a part of me. There’s blood running through my veins and every day I walk around with crystals in my hand and pocket and purse (yes, all 3 of those at once) and sometimes at the waist line of my leggings and stuff because lack of pockets. It totally works. I have them in one of those pretty small bags for like jewelry and stuff. Let me just show you how pretty this opal I got from this candle is. ANYWAY!
I like to think that the blood that is pumped from my heart is growing and changing and evolving like me every day, making every part of me from my soul to my protons as fluid and free as I am. Yes, I believe in change. It’s not something I bring up a lot because it confuses people and they get frustrated. I believe everyone’s right. Yes, maybe that doesn’t make ‘sense’ to you but I’m not writing you my two ‘cents’ I’m giving you all my heart’s notes, each paragraph representing the slow cell renewal process with my every pore. Back to change.
Some people don’t think change exists, and that everything is mapped out so specifically, and they expect me not to get what they’re saying, but I totally do. That’s logical, and I use that in my own belief. My belief is that everything changes rapidly, every second, for our lives. We’re changing, we’re becoming 19 year olds instead of 11 year olds, and people don’t think there’s a difference but the beautiful thing is there IS a difference. The fact that we can change every single thing about our life and our bodys (with like cell renewal, not like, plastic surgery lol) and change every single focal point we have and every single thing in our room—But, we are the same person. People change, their souls do not. Souls change in their own way but by human’s definition it’s easier to understand things if we use words to help each other instead of saying that no word has a valid definition. I try to help people redefine words together, re-associate the words with different meanings so that we have all these different words to use instead of the tainted connotation that we all grew up with and saw as corrupt (IT WAS! But we don’t have to use those connotations! We can make new ones) Anyway, my soul has always been the same, and it’s so very obvious throughout my life, even when my candle was dim and the spark in my eyes was nearly…well, it wasn’t there for a short time. But I’ve changed so much. I can give you some pretty great examples, of not just my change, but my evolution.
Growing up as a kid, I was–a bully. Yeah, for real. From pre-school (yes pre-school) to 2nd grade. It’s a really interesting thing to talk about, because most people who were as mean as I was are STILL mean, but I’m really not. I’m the sweetest and funniest dumb-joke fuckin’ flower you’ll ever meet. And my heart, my intentions, my words, are all really pure, in the sense of truth & realness not covered up by fake stuff. I never understood being dishonest. Not with myself or anyone else. But anyway, being a bully was a freakin’ struggle for me, because I would get so frustrated with not knowing where all the anger was coming from, yet feeling this fury. It’s like I had a certain thing in me that set me on fire and it wasn’t until 2nd grade that I saw what it was doing to everyone around me. I had been like a blow torch, with all the kids sadly in the flame. I stepped away as I got older and learned how to handle the fire just enough to at least channel it to tantrums that didn’t involve other people as much (at least at school) and I looked around and saw how really nobody at all liked me. I didn’t have friends, because people tried to be my friends once and I was mean to them. I would get mad when people just wouldn’t get the math problem. I kept to myself because I thought that instead of having everyone burn for nothing, I could try to make it…productive? Didn’t work out much because I was in 2nd grade. After all the people I hurt and spending my first 4 years of schooling alone, I was suddenly horrified. But a lot of this was in the back of my mind, as I didn’t realize that was the connection when I went through life, until by 3rd grade. I had stopped with all of that shit. I didn’t care if the fire melted myself, I wouldn’t let it make me lonely forever. So every year I had a couple of friends, but never too many. I would get really firey mad and nobody knew why. I cried and told everyone there had to be some other explanation, but that was looked at as an excuse. Although I knew from the moment that I saw that I had no friends that there was something actually WRONG with me, and all of that life was such perfect & classic signs of bipolar. I called it in 2nd grade and nobody believed me. Well I thought it was ‘depression’ but I didn’t know the words and differences however manic-depression is my lifetime duty to attend to, constantly keeping it at bay and never really getting to turn my back on the fire exhibit I built in my mind; I just think it’s weird that none of those professionals saw any warning. Like, they really didn’t, and I was supposed to see the therapist for lunch half the week, and I swear I have so many memories that are the clearest indicators of bipolar. But, NOTHING that I did was to blame on bipolar. NOTHING that I did was justified or okay. NONE of that is made any better by me talking about it, I only wanted to share the experience in the best way I could with words. Bipolar was a part of me as it still is (but at least it’s treated now) and so let me tell you what I learned from being terrified, alone, on fire and in ELEMENTARY School. Haha.
I learned the value of having a friend. I learned the value of having people like you, and getting to be nice back. I learned how lucky I am to get to do good things for the people I love, I’m lucky to show them, I’m lucky I know them, I’m…Deserving. Finally, I think. I’m 19 and it took a while but I think I finally deserve some friends. Now a lot of times I choose to be a loner, but when I’m friends with someone, it’s real. I never got into the habit of “fibbing” in friendships or whatever, like even in middle school I had only a couple friends, and so I was just raised up with a mouth that always tells the truth and that used to get me into trouble until now. Now people are astonished at how awesome I am, and I love getting to be this awesome positive cool person of my choice because I’m no longer in a cage. I put that damn fire in the cage, and I watch over it and handle it regularly. I’m a shitty friend sometimes because I apparently talk too much or whatever but I accidentally assume people tell each other stuff, and then I’m like ohhh shit no…no… I see why they shouldn’t have trusted each other and I see why I shouldn’t have said that but ahhh oooops crap the world is complicated please don’t hate me guys I was just being honest lol!~them mental thoughts. Nah I mean, a lot of this was a big part of my life even the last two years. But now, a lot of things are different. I trust the universe so much. My best friends are my family, and yet I still know how to not set them or other people on fire. (Well, usually I don’t). I love meditating, I love waking up not being able to stop smiling or laughing because of my excitement for the day, and I value even my family’s friendship so so so much…I wonder if I would still be so close to them if I had never had a problem with making friends? Interesting thought.
My dad gives me so much strength and help and love and support, and any time I get set on fire again he can just tell me it’s going to pass/be okay and it grounds me, brings me back to earth and helps me get back on my feet, every time. He does so much for me, and I hope he knows eternally how grateful I am for him.
My mom is like my best friend, she’s always the one I “dish” to about tha boyfriend (:P) and she honestly knows a ton about my daily life and relationship and things that are important to me and she always has the best vibes. She lights up any room even when I’m the one in there too, and she’s so calmly social and happy and funny that it makes you forget to be nervous. She’s super honest and she’s real, she may not go deep into her brain or anyone else’s, yet she still wants to listen if I get too far down into mine. She’s seriously my sunshine, every single day, and I am so proud to not only be a part of my dad but be a part of her too.
I’m the kindest person that I’ve ever been. I’m the most warmhearted soul that I’ve ever felt deeply. I’m the most intuitive mind that I’ve ever thought about. I am strong, I am rooted to the ground, yet connected to the light – I’m Abby, and I am whatever I say I am. I can even call myself Jade because that was what I was almost named + it relates to my rock obsession. Compassion and passion and every sort of fashion. Ooo slogan much?
And so are you, so please talk only nicely about my nice readers and friends. 🙂 (that means yourselves). Seriously though, I can’t wait to show you some more crystals and more about my journey of switching out a lot of my life for meditation and working hard on this blog that I love so dearly, because I promise you it’ll pay off. Meh, maybe not for you. But it will for me. And one person, if not more, is going ton read this, and get something good from it. It’s not wishful thinking, it’s commanding the power of love and knowledge to put this in the path of whoever it needs to see. And to you my darling, your journey has just begun to. It begins every moment that you decide to breathe, so breathe deeply, and love yourself as much as you wish to be loved.