What do I do when I get tired of all these flights of fancies? What do I do when I’m no longer living for myself, the only real reason I spent the last 19 years alive? When it gets out of hand, and when nobody knows, it can get to you to tire, make you feel like you’re just living to expire. Every word I say sounds the same & I stared blankly at this post for 9 hours with nothing to think and no words to produce and now that I’ve hit rock bottom — of the day — I’m ready to say these things in this manner. Is this a poem or am I trying to write a song or is this just me thinking from a perspective that isn’t usually available for me to dwindle with each day? Like a new snapchat filter that you only use sometimes. A door that you always lose the key to, so long that you forget what lies behind. I found the key and all I can remember is forgetting what it’s for. So come and take a walk with me, let’s sort this out, let’s organize it piece by piece until we find some motherfreakin’ peace. Let’s make the stupid kill-arettes dance in the air, waving like a red beam of give-and-bend light: I’m ready to slay this shoot, are you ready to get my point? Get ready because this was the last photoshoot I did before a series of unjust upside-down twisty-turn slides down into the bottom pit of this ‘real‘ life. Continue reading below for a poetic explanation of how uncool the night of April 12th was and how April 13th ruined my life.
Girl gang. Guess that means my life is about glitter and trash slang. Maybe opposite to a lighter and death by propane. No shame? No pain when you think like a rapper, it’s tragic but I promise you my heart’s a disaster. Owchiez. Whatever, I got stuff to show ya, from a couple days before the bars I unjustly stood behind, April 11th, 2018. Let’s get real, so I can feel, so I can breathe, so I can move on. I’ve been beaten for so long at a game that they know is wrong.
Burn like the fire of a million crowds
Brighter lighters in the air sucking up more oxygen than my suffocation buried alive
I didn’t see one tiny piece of remorse on your head and you so easily smirked as you said “off with hers”
I paid a million debts in those 38 hours
I spent a million years neglecting all those showers
In my own house, with my organic soap, natural for my skin and better to sleep in
At night I cried so hard I think I chapped my own lips (lost too much water and drank not enough of the single-tap from dirty cups)
I didn’t have a mf pillow I swear to God you’re paying for my next year of migraines and scoliosis shit it was bad at first but now…?
I threw some vitamins and missed. They hit the wall and fell apart. You came charging at me and threw me a full foot into a door.
My head hit it and bounced off, maybe the concussion was minor, but you dug your nails into my arm so hard that it scarred me. Literally!
I ask my mom everyday what she has to say
“Abby you can’t come in and wake people up at 3 AM because you’re mad”
Mom I had lost 6 hours
6 hours of blogging progress, I was being so hard on myself YOU KNOW THIS
I told them when the internet went down, and he laughed so hard, I swear he’s gonna see one day when I’m making more than him
On this same laptop, in a different outfit, with this 10 year old camera, making more on my blog than you do at your job
38 hours in jail, for defending myself against a 45 or something year old man
But wait this guy got fired from his last job from assaulting a co-worker
But I’m sure a tiny 19 year old girl is plenty of threatening.
So now I got nothing left, just these flights of fancies.
A pack of 27s and a sugar-free Redbull, where do I begin
To end the story about how all of this ruined my life?
This photoshoot… 2 days before I went to jail… Had no idea what I was about to endure. Couldn’t have made it a dark enough shoot if I wanted to, but the pitch-black setting is a good start. My life is over. A new one will begin anew because I’ve been recovering and cooking up a revenge pot called coming back at it better than ever, but sometimes, my loves, it’s difficult. Got no friends and got no fam anymore, just got Ally.
But that’s the end. And I don’t know why, it doesn’t even matter how hard I try, keep that in mind, I copied this rhyme to explain in due time (all I know). Sorry broke into song there for a sec. But yeah, my life is pretty messed up and I can honestly say I have no idea why me of all people had to go through that shit. But whatever. See y’all on the flipside. Next post will be happier and more lively.
Oh, PS. I did a photoshoot 3 days after my release from jail (38 goddamn hours) and this is how frail, depressed, tear-worn and homesick I was. I was staying with Ally because I wasn’t allowed to go home for like a week. I was sad that I never did a shoot that day so she took pics of me while I was on her bed. Top and jeans and choker from StitchFix, necklace from Earthbound (Quartz crystals). Oh, and bracelet from Guess.
The face of a criminal am I right? Insert eye roll x209. They dropped all charges a few days later btw. Shocker.
Aaaand they didn’t give me any of my numerous mentally & physically dependent medications in jail. Just saying. Even though the police officer promised they would for some reason.