I can’t see anything in the snow. I can’t see anything except the cold feel on my skin, or the crunch of ice beneath whatever shoes and their level of practicality for the day. I wiggle my toes to see if they’re still there, and they are. And I’m also still breathing. When I take my deepest breath and look around I can learn to see and feel at the same time, but as you may or may not have noticed that’s not a usual thing for people to have adapted yet in regular situations. I embrace the newfound form of my third eye and be thankful I have any eyes. I hear music, and it’s my brothers, and it sounds different than what plays from my speaker. From my heart to my head to my body mind and soul, I hear/feel/see/touch/think/observe differently. But there’s a way to go from So Blind in the Snow (snowblind) to what I’ll introduce to you as “so kind to let it show”. So let me introduce you to not only allll the amethyst stuff I’m wearing from Amethyst Dreams but let me unblind y’all or something. No basically I’ll just show you the Snowblind words and break them down and let you know how I’m feeling and what I’ve overcome with just thinking of my own personal right to have power and feel strength. Blog it baby one more time.

See it was snowing in March but now it’s already May and I’m really getting behind on blogging. But hey that’s okay I’m making up for that right now. This shoot was really fun. Ally (my girlfriend) helped me with a few of the pics. I love this striped shirt/sweater thing so so much and I got it in like my 4th or 5th StitchFix box months back (I think January) and just now am getting around to posting it but hey! Never too late. Let’s take a look at this supa fun shooot.

The Outfit

• Striped knit sweater top (size XS) – I got this in my last StitchFix box from the brand Pixley.
• Embroidered Faux Leather Pants – From Nasty Gal a couple years ago.
• Snow Boots – My mom got me these as a 2017 Christmas present and it was pretty lit. Remember?

Accessories

• Britney Spears Circus Lanyard 2009 from Britney’s official store/site with an Amethyst Keychain – Needed a pop of orange. Check out my Celeb Merch Base site for my upcoming merch style posts!
• Amethyst necklace with some cute beads but I forgot what they are – my stepmom pieced it together
• Amethyst ring (on white gold), my white gold diamond ring from my stepmom and my sterling silver leaf ring from Pandora!
• Amethyst chip bracelet from More Than Rocks in Kent, Washington. Fave store ever.
• See my post about my amethyst stuff and all my amethyst makeup here. But yeah I had on my Amethyst x Geode lipgloss by Becca Cosmetics (part of the Crystal Glow collection) and a Prismatic Amethyst highlight from them as well.

I actually had so much fun with this shoot. Amethyst is really beautiful for your third eye and it always makes me feel on-top of things or in the know. Or just knowing that things will be okay. Dang this is like one of the last shoots I did before I went to jail. Yeah long story, subscribe/follow my blog so see that one next haha! But more fun pics of me having fun in like the inch of snow of March.

At first I really didn’t like the lighting of this shoot but dang this was so much fun! And there’s so many positive things to focus on here. Like how I put my first piece of accessory merch on my celebritymerchbase (Merch Style) blog (#MerchStyle is a thing I’m starting, follow my instagram for that shit I’ve had lots of artists like my stuff from them) and also my post on Amethyst and how this was supposed to coordinate…Well, it’s a little late for a coordination but hey it’s cool that I shot with this lanyard as a part of this outfit, like tying it in with the embroidered pants. LOVEEEE it. Such an Abby look! What’s your favorite part about my kinda styles?

Also, with this look I was trying to figure out a name and then I realized my brother was playing this song called Snowblind in the car. I immediately downloaded it it’s by Au5 featuring Tasha Baxter, and it’s basically saying “Snowblind, out of sight and out of mind.” She’s talking about dwelling on the past. When I first did this shoot I loved the song and the idea that I came up with to translate that but now it’s true in a way that hits me hard. But we don’t need to talk about what’s hard about what’s going on currently & in the past, because like we say, out of ‘site’ out of mind — so I’m not going to put that negativity on my blog. Let’s focus on some of the happiest focal points! Like how my hair has been rocking. “Just for tonight, come free, like me.”

My hair is lookin’ pretty awesome and healthy. I’ve been really laying off the drugs. My life is kind of composed of just Redbulls and cigarettes (with weed thank God or I’d be kray kray) and for now I have those vices but I’m sooo far from cocaine and alcohol and all that shit — for the time being I’m trying to get through the fucked up stuff that’s happening around me, so here’s some of the lighthearted pics that make me smile and Ally totally laughed throughout all of this.

DERP. Check out this song though.

The last point I want to make is this song and the last meaning I can squeeze from the juicy lemon I found when my bro first blasted it in the car to me having it on repeat for dayssss. I wanna refer to the bridge and the lyrics there and how I relate and how it really feels like a victory to me, surpassing a drug habit that this song may or may not be supporting, but I really hear it in a way of moving on. Moving forward. Out of site out of mind but here’s a thing or two that should be recited on this site of mine.

“You know when you keep running but your legs are standing still
It’s like you’re stuck in a nightmare but you keep doing it for the thrill
Well this is reality, you only live it once
So wake up from your dream
But just fall tonight, let the lines get blurred
Let your thoughts be free. Let your thoughts be free.”

Let’s break that down. You know when you keep running but your legs are standing still? Like how I was (barely, but still) blogging and living my life and hanging with Ally and trying to breathe and eat and feel like I was doing something and going somewhere, and my emotional currency was draining out of me at miles an hour, and I felt like I was running atop a spinning sphere. But my legs were standing still. The cocaine I got once in a while wasn’t a big deal, until it was. Until I felt so much frustration and felt like I couldn’t get my legs to move without something like it, without some big difference or gap or crazy bender even for an hour. Inside I was screaming and running and trying to escape — but maybe a lot of the terror was caused by the days after the cocaine usage, huh Abby? K duh. Hah. (PS I was never a heavy user at all, it was just really unnecessary for me considering I wasn’t stable enough to be fucking with my brain chemicals at the time — it was really immature).

Smh I just kept doing it for the thrill, because what I sought was just a thrill. Just a feeling. I was so dead. I was such a zombie and I didn’t know I was about to walk into the hardest part of my entire life. I guess that’s what made it possible for me to quit the snow shit quicker than y’all could get rid of half a g in 15 min. Nah I’m not thinking about it. I’m just thinking about learning things the hard way. Maybe I’ll tell y’all more about it, but my life has been pretty dark lately. I’m not sure what’s beautiful enough to share. What do I need to do to write words in a way that gives them strength, endurance and importance even when they’re hard to even…conjure? Sorry, that was kind of a mouth-full. But also, that was a point of mine.

Well this is reality and I’m only living it once. So I’m waking up from my dreams (and the dreaded nightmarish screams) and letting myself fall tonight. I’m not going up, I’m not getting hyped, I’m letting the lines blur in a mess and trying to get my head in line. Just for a night (four weeks sober tomorrow though) I’m gonna get my head in line and blur all these toxic lines and erase all these showtune lines and change my life. I don’t want to see that shit, out of sight, out of mind, off my site. I’m letting my thoughts be free. Now I’m truly letting my thoughts be free. So here I am being super candid, and I got stuff you could use against me. But I also have the defense of telling you that I got past this, I sobered up 4 weeks ago man. That’s a month. That’s quality, and it means something. It means I’ve been doing something else with my life, something better. And I’m in love with the fact that I’m building this new mature life with the love of mine, Ally. We were waiting, waiting, waiting and anticipating something to change since 2015 and here it is, here we are. Things are changing. It’s not just the weather. I’ll pick you up like you’re light as a feather. It’s in my words, how they dance like they’re lyrical. But I promise you that they’re as true as our miracle. It’s us. We’re winning. 2 weeks sober for you babe. I don’t know how, but we ended up aight. I love you so much. Thanks for including me in your life.

So now I’m blind from the snow – no longer wondering if I got a head cold. Kinda like I was in Everybody Breaks A Glass. But hey…Out of site and out of mine. Hah. Play on words. Take that as you will. Here’s some fiyaahh.

So Snowblind, am I right? I was so happy. I love Amethyst. Some of the best for last pics right here. (;

I love you all. Have an awesome, super fantastic day. I’m glad I’m posting more often and let’s see if I can keep this goin’. Next post is…’outside’…Okay LAST Snowblind pics! LOL.

Check out the new posts on my blog celebritymerchbase.com, it’s gonna be something big but for now I’m slowly but surely cataloging my merch as I put it along with my style, you know? Like, this is the lanyard post all about the lanyard in this Snowblind shoot. But check the rest out here, I’ll be posting more on there shortly! (Just stuff from my own personal cute collection). Have an amazing day and remember that you’re worth SO MUCH more than the blurred lines and empty habits. I love you all! Take your time and fulfill your passions only to your heart’s delight and not for a single thing less.