Well I would say that it’s been a while. One year of photoshoots and I’ve completely altered my point of view of myself. I started off struggling to keep a rhythm with how I felt everyday, and yet I was so rhythmic with my blogging to the point of 4-5 posts a month, writing and photoshooting for days, and then a halt! I felt supremely lost and yet still fucking found a way to do my photoshoots until like this summer. That’s kind of when I stepped back to realize that I’ve posted 3 blog posts this year. What does this mean? The entity of suppression. It’s like, some sort of mix between writer’s block and low-self image of my writing intention, in my head? Does that make any sense? Like I do these photoshoots that I think are rad and fun, but I have this sort of suppressive depressive stupid way of not wanting to let the words flow naturally. So as torturous as this year has been for this blog, at least I’m learning to appreciate myself and my photoshoots alll over again. However, taking extra time on this blog post also kinda forced me to think about the SOURCE of the INSPIRATION, not just musically but like, Bea Miller is more than a 20-year-old “That BITCH” kinda lady who rocks out in Seattle twice a year, has pink hair and only wants to feel something, but she’s also a formerly brunette teenage rockstar who released a non-apologetic album at age 15, has grown up into a world of technology and creativity and chooses to associate herself with rad people who ‘chill her vibe’ and accentuate her colors (PINK) and I’ve learned so much about this woman through listening and appreciating. Or, like, cheering. In a crowd. Either way, what started out as me loving her second album Aurora turned into something all the way Outside with Flights of Fancy. What does that even mean anyway?! Outside was like the first song from Bea that inspired me to do a photoshoot, I literally had the song on loop x4 or something outside smoking cigarettes and bending over backwards making funny faces because I was outside, being sassy, bragging about kitchen-table-coffee and also still admiring my fave song from that album. Explains why I got the hand-written lyric sheet for it. (; Okay more about Bea Merch eventually–basically I liked jamming to that song & doing the photoshoot so much that I decided to buy a yellow jumper and even calculated the reprecussions, somehow finding ways to make 3 different chapters speak colorful volumes. I love that words and colors and outfits like to go hand in hand, and even though Aurora is technically older news after a handful of singles this year, I still really love that I did this! At first I was really trying to hone in the album and songs and shit as inspiration but the more fun it got with all those Seattle shoots the more I just really appreciated that Bea is like, a lot like me, in the sense that this entire year of writer’s block all I’ve wanted to do was FEEL something. So many different states of mind and yet I still had to, like, choose between photoshoots or actually writing and completing my posts, so basically all year I’ve been minimalistic with expression, trying to find ways to even ‘create’ per say. BUT, I can finally master the rules I previously bent and find a way to create new chapters out of 2018 outfits that were originally inspired by this bitch! Hey, I’ve had worse years of creative flow. You just wouldn’t BEA-lieve how this girl has pushed forward the stream’s current!
Here’s a sort of recap. So I can’t tell if that’s impressive or oppressive at this point but it’s all the same, rehab in California went fantastic, stayed a month and a half and am now trying to find a way to be less bored and more motivated! But basically May 2018 I started a rough draft of this whole project and after a hectic life of faux crime, writer’s block, stressful evictions and walking in circles, I’m finally back to say something here. Finally. Back bitches. And it’s this Bea Miller post! That I finally get to come back with! My returning debut! Finally or something! I worked pretty dang hard with these shoots. Journey begins probably when apathy is gone, I’m gettin’ there, slowly and surely? Actually pretty freakin’ proud. Want to check it out?
So a couple years ago, Bea had three chapters she released. It started as Chapter One: Blue and there were two others. Since last year I’ve done 6 photoshoots relating to Bea Miller for some reason that I wanted to pull together for each chapter. So, oldies but goodies for another reason. For Chapter One: Blue I had song like you that was taken in 1st Avenue, Seattle by my ex-girlfriend Ally (got a few cool pictures) but the coolest part is that this shirt says Wishful Thinking…with dandelions. I always wanted to do a photo shoot with this shirt but little did I know I already had…just forgot about it. Hahah. Nice! That’s okay. And after that it’s partner piece was like I can’t breathe, and honestly that name proved to be more relevant than I had originally hoped but at least I got out of there alive. I think that’s supposed to be lighthearted. That photoshoot was taken by the now ex-boyfriend Matt, I uh think the comparisons are better left noticed obliviously but I might pull together a few strings unnecessarily…we’ll see how it goes! Haha. There’s more than a few reasons that relate to those breakups, usually the same issues different people. I wouldn’t exactly say I gave up but I might’ve thrown in a few towels before pool time was up.
Chapter One: Blue by Bea Miller
Bea’s chapter one was her Blue EP, which she released in 2017 – believe it or not this bitch released 3 color co-ordinated EPs with the colors Blue, Red & finally Yellow before she came out with Aurora, the perfect combination of those colors. Each EP had 3 songs on it and the blue one had Song Like You, Burning Bridges & I Can’t Breathe. To me this blue EP is a genius example of Bea’s subtlety, feeling like walls can close in on her or like the colors are all that can fucking speak to her, her dying her hair pink all the time and me with the red and…hey wait a minute, I had my brunette hair for half of this blog post! So did Bea actually. Lol. But the journey I’ve been on with my photoshoots and writing and recovery also Bea Miller for the past year and a half and I’m finally thinking I can get myself to write all about it. It’s like, mental road blocks take a little bit longer to pass over when you don’t have a driver’s license. But hey, at least with like the road blocks and the stepping stones and the taking so long to write one thing will help with my future in deciding whether or not I really am who I’ve taken so long to create! Yay!! Isn’t it great how those are the challenges I’m currently equipped with? Shifted. (Stay tuned or something on that one I have so much to say about my shift changes.)
song like you
- Blue Tone Glasses – “Come Round Shades” from Nasty Gal, $9
- Guess White Platform Sneakers
- Wishful Thinking shirt thing “Alternative Vintage Soft”? Some weird brand that barely fits on my chest but I still rocked it. Both this shirt, skirt, necklace & sweatshirt were ‘second hand’ type shit.
- The Ally/Ivy Ring from Pandora, $90
- Gradual Tanning Lotion by Kora Organics (No wonder these bright whites!)
- Lights Skin&Earth Pin x1 (Needed SOME Merch)
Wishful Thinking was apparently a big inspiration for me with this interesting periwinkle tube top because I always kind of thought that finding clothes throughout the universe that people are getting rid of and then utilizing them in your life/your work/and finding out that certain phrases and parts of my clothes actually fit me so well that you forget the tube top once in a while falls down and shows my bra – that may be because this shirt is still too loose with a bra, however, I made it work long enough for this short photoshoot. Haha. Wow so my wishful thinking is that Bea understands how much she even had to inspire me for this like 6-photoshoot (or more lol) photoshoot series each with like a different Bea Miller song/theme. So I don’t even know how the fuck I did that but I also saw her twice this year and she was amazing but I think Bea may have more wishful thinking than me right now, so make a fuckin’ wish if you finally got to read this. 😉 I also really like that I somehow got this grey skirt to play along with me. I may know an embarassing amount of details about some of these outfits because a lot I got from people or don’t remember what the heck makeup I was wearing but if you look closely in each photoshoot you’ll see clearly that I don’t give a shit about being defined in myself or my fashion and just so you know the dates of each shoot are on here (kinda hidden) so as you can see by how long this fucking post took me, I might finally be ready to gossip about my half-remembered outfits, 21st birthday, and my outfits from last May (2018) and brunette hair. (It’s red now. Remember that.)
i can’t breathe
- Butterfly type dress thing…k not sure where it’s from but it fits & flatters & is comfortable!
- Enlightening in a Box – Orange Stone Necklace & Sodalite Bracelet #1
- Rocksbox – Sodalite Bracelet (Adjustable)
- Lace-Up Sandal Type Things – Kohl’s
Interesting how for the second “blue” photoshoot I did inspired by Bea’s album/EPs ended up with my faded-ass red hair that was almost brunette again, crying and not being able to sit still much on the steps of my old apartment. Now this sounds like a crap story but I can assure you both of what happened with Ally and with Matt were things I can address, however my outfits back then inspired me enough to want to do the dang photoshoots even with these guys’ occasional bug up their butts, and I’m still grateful they helped me. Okay so living with Matt and being addicted to meth might’ve kicked me in the ass but now I’m 2 months+ sober off of that plus almost 6 months off heroin so I’m kicking ass and trying to regain my barings but at the same time I got to grow up and gain a cool skillset & toolbelt for my mind. I’m finally ready to like, move on into the part of life where I do my own photoshoots again and judge myself the correct way and come up with cool outfits…So excited. This guy, the Matt guy, really seemed to hold me back, and at a hard time in my life with drugs I was not only alone with him but I couldn’t. fucking. breathe. In like, 3 different ways. This guy was suffocation and I don’t know how I got so stuck in that glue trap, however because of that, I do really like how the I Can’t Breathe photoshoot turned out. Spoke a lot about our ambivalence or something. Can’t say I miss crying on those steps til dawn (and losing a vape in the bushes to the left). Some of Bea’s most relatable I Can’t Breathe lyrics are:
‘A time when I didn’t feel like there was something missing
Now my body and mind are so distant
Don’t know how to escape from this prison
How can I
Free my mind?
Cause I can’t breathe’.
Chapter Two: Red by Bea Miller
Chapter Two: Red was probably my favorite to do photoshoots/outfits for, because for the longest time I was looking for some way to style that leather dress and apparently the fluffy red scarf with angels on it and the barely-red tainted hair spoke loudly. Okay so maybe this photoshoot still needed help like my hair was up and I was in fishnets at the freakin’ beach but somehow I was still outfit confident af, so that was totally fantastic but even better was that it went with the song & had this nice companion piece with my ACTUAL red hair. Haven’t had a tooon of bright red hair photoshoots yet but they are coming. I actually did quite a few photoshoots over the last year. (;
- Leather Dress – TBD Origin
- Earrings made by my stepmom for her BossKty brand
- Abbey Dawn Plaid Boots
- Victoria’s Secret High-Neck Lace Bra
Lots of red freakin’ accents. At least I was red enough. But you see, this is why I need my red hair. It balances me out! I always have to rock the crimson red.
Okay so you may have just caught me, on May 17th, 2019 I saw Bea for the first time, and it was awesome, but chapter two from 2017 definitely did not include Bea’s 2019 single It’s Not U, It’s Me but I definitely got this hat so I definitely was excited to include this in the red chapter because I was soooo red!! Haha I’m really proud of the red hair. This might be the specific hair I revert back to once I can actually get mine done, but I still have the cool freakin’ extensions. Enough about hair. I love this song so much, I named this shoot it’s not u it’s bea because if you’ve ever broken Bea’s heart or fucked her up or made her cry (lol) then you are not BEA! She doesn’t need any of that bullllcrappp. I think I might know who did this. At least my hair is red.
it’s not u, it’s Bea
- Crop Top by Dolls Kill, “Just Call 1-800-You-Wish”
- Cargo Pants by (Origin TBD)
- Gold Chunky Boots by Dolls Kill
- Star Choker by Dolls Kill
- It’s Not U, It’s Bea concert hat from the concert that day (Bea Miller of course. Merch post eventually on Merch For Days)
- Bright Red Extensions by Bellami
I actually went with Matt to this Bea concert so this is another he-took-the-pictures circumstances. This outfit was almost entirely fresh from Dolls Kill so I was super excited to do the photoshoot, plus I’m wearing my bright red Bellami extensions plus this was right after I left Bea’s concert – and then I got to see her again last week! Mouthful. All the freakin’ time. At the time we didn’t get the BEST pics ever but I really love these cargo pants and this CROP TOP HOLY CRAP favorite! I’m excited about red hair again.
Chapter Three: Yellow by Bea Miller
Reprecussions (chapter yellow) was actually the first Bea Miller-inspired photoshoot I did (other than ‘outside’ which I’ll add after this too) that I did with my mom a couple days out of jail, as hectic as that crap was I still looked good and I still rocked these star socks that I love and this yellow jumper was definitely weather appropriate in May 2018. Hahaha. So this is what I call Reprecussions. From this photoshoot came this one edit for Shop For Days that I love and think is perfect so I’m really glad I did this one. The reason I even went to jail at all is for my dad & I being in an assault (with my stepfather) where he kind of threw me out of the room when I panicked because they randomly cut off the internet bill – right in the middle of saving a fucking post…yeah I’ve definitely written about this before. Anyway I was definitely falsely accused of being anything but the victim but at least dad & I got to ride in the back of a cop car and stay in jail for 36 hours. How I was thinking of reprecussions right after I got out I have no idea. How I came home that spring 2018 from jail to my big Nasty Gal package with this jumper in it and all the colors to relate to this girls’ EPs from ages ago I have no idea but at the same time the timing doesn’t seem finicky. It seems to be the only constant. No matter what state of mind I’m always progressing at my own personal speed. And that’s what I’ve learned for knowing the difference between other’s transgressions and my decision to reprimand myself. So basically this EP has it’s reprecussions, it’s SLUTs, and all of that To The Grave so it’s safe to say this is my favorite EP of the three but don’t forget about the aurora album that brought alll of those together plus 3 more tracks to tie it all down. Dang I really do love that. This was a fun project.
- Sweater/jumper by Nasty Gal “Be There In A Split Jumper” in Mustard, $36
- Guess Platform Sneakers & “So Close Mesh Socks” by Nasty Gal
- Crossbody Bag by Enlightening in a Box
- iPhone Case by Kylie Cosmetics
My hair was doing really good at this point. As you can tell the timing is off in the order these were sorted just because of the bright red long hair (this year) and the shorter brunette (spring 2018) and how they aren’t chronological, however I was really trying to re-tell this part of Bea’s story using my fashion and it would have totally worked if not for melding time windows and missed opportunities and pity parties. Okay I didn’t throw the very most pity parties however I am actually feeling alive and holy heck I get to write again HAHA I actually have so, much, work, saved, up, for this moment. So far so good but the next step would be to ring back in the audience. My question is, how do Reprecussions and SLUT go so well together? And also, why are these my only pictures of me in this Bea shirt? I wanted to mention too that I have a bunch of merch from this girl, it’s super rad, once I group it all together again I might do something cool with it – but I want to completely re-do celebritymerchbase one of these days so you might have to deal with increments/photoshoots/whatever iphone pictures (oh wait could be my @merchstyle instagram) of my freakin’ merch that I can throw together because as much as I love to record it, there is soooo much to document!
- Bea Miller Floral Shirt & in the background, hanging up is the lyric sheet to Outside that Bea wrote for me! Closeups eventually.
Anyway the song SLUT was perfect for this, definitely stands for Sweet Little Unforgettable thing – oh I get it, Unforgetabby. That’s me! Anyway I may or may not be a slut take your best guess and keep it. Hahaha.
So that would be the last of the photoshoots coordinating with the Bea Miller Project, however I did also do this one photoshoot in May 2018 called Outside, based on that song that she handwrote the lyrics for me for, and was a pretty rad photoshoot – did it right before I ended up in jail for 36 hours. Thought I might as well throw this at the end of the post. Pretty successful 2 year long project if I do say so myself!
Good times! Glad to be back. And now that all those collages are all set & inspired, back to my lengthy description of Bea Merch! Hahaha okay for real in 2018 it was a really good merchandise year for me, I can’t wait to do better photoshoots for each of these items and stuff to put them on my MerchStyle type blog, that’ll be like, the most fun!
It’s not you, it’s Bea Miller. (; Like I swear, in April 2018 I may have gotten my first piece of Bea Merch which was actually a bundle from PledgeMusic, it was named like “Signed CD + Tee” (and digital download!) and I picked the cute pink floral shirt (the other one was the blue one!) in XS. Like holy, I stumbled upon some tracks from Aurora and was hooked right onto the PledgeMusic page, was lucky to grab these – I think I really went through a PM phase? I was like, looking up bundles from all the different artists on the site, looking up bundles other than Bea’s actually helped me find some other cool artists too. 🙂 Why thank you PledgeMusic! But nonetheless, apparently Aurora really struck my heart because the next month I got the coveted (to me) lyric sheet handwritten & signed by her, which was super cool. She wrote out the whole goddamn song and signed it with love to my name, which I thought was almost intimate for a piece of merch/paper. (; One of my very favorite things I’ve ever bought from an artist, always admired that this woman is just 3 months younger than me and still a lot cooler (plus I’m jealous of her handwriting). So by December, Bea was having a sale with her official store so I got like the iPhone 6s case for $5 AND a heat-reveal type coffee mug, Illuminati as fuck! Super rad. I’ll try to concoct some cool pictures or a collage or some shit for all my merch shit but that’s enough rambling about it for now. Besides all of that, I also have some concert merch. I might do like a Bea Collection post on my merch blog one day who the hell knows. Hahaha.
Not much else to say. Stay tuned for more…Just really freakin’ glad to be back writing again! PS No longer in rehab but still Abby, that’s for damn sure. More still coming soon. Like, still a year’s archive of photoshoots to write about. Maybe not the most relevant. But! Still cool. Love you guys! Glad to be back.