Hey guys! Can you tell I’m back on my roll with blogging? Or trying to get there. Today I want to post a couple small shoots I did including one I did mid-last month for Aly & AJ’s new merch for their 10 Years album, my pre-order merch including this Aly&SlayJ graphic tee, which is SO CUTE and Aly&AJ socks. There’s also this little ‘sleepytime’ shoot I did with this Victoria’s Secret sleep tee (it’s SO comfy) it’s a white graphic tee as well, featuring Josephine Skriver, one of my very favorite Victoria’s Secret Angels. In addition to that I slept in my Work Bitch booty shorts from the Britney store in Vegas, and it was so fun to shoot this — this stuff was both super fun and I wanna show y’all. With the sleepytime shoot I’ll show you all my favorite bed-time things, too. Since early 2016 I’ve dealt with some PTSD nightmares that were gone for a while, but now I’m constantly battling them and doing soooo much at night to calm my mind and soul to get quality sleep, and I have a long and comprehensive list of all the things that help me get good sleep when I actually do! So if you struggle with insomnia from PTSD or just in general, I have some tips.
I wonder how many times I’m going to have to “grow up” before my eyes are really open. Just when I suspect I’ve figured something out, it’s like, surprise! And it’s a good thing! It’s like I was wearing sunglasses the whole time and forgot to take them off, making me miss details that I wasn’t ready to learn until the next time, when I was ready to see them. Strange metaphor, but it’s hardly a metaphor, more like an analogy. Either way, it’s great that I grow more and more every day. It’s great that I learn new things, it’s great when I stay humble, it’s amazing when I get stronger, it’s awesome when I find out how resilient I already am and even greater of a realization to see that I’m not done growing yet. Meaning, it’s like I have this shield I’ve built, and I think it’s a really cool shield like “wow this is much more powerful than using my arms for defense” and I get so caught up in thinking it’s just cool that things bounced off of it. Here’s the cool part, the part that you can sprinkle in your drinks in the morning to give you hope and keep you stronger. Every day that shield grows stronger, and of course things are still going to affect you, but you can choose the way it affects you. When it hits you but it hits your shield it gives you a chance to pick how to react. It gives you a chance to live for that moment, to retaliate in a beautiful way.
Show them all how strong you really are by rising above all of it. I can’t stop loving the fact that I get higher and higher but sometimes I get scared of falling. But the thing is, I’m not rising above the clouds with magical pixie dust taking me up, scaling largely above the USA, but I’m actually walking up stairs. On good days, it’s an elevator. Like when Danon surprised me for my birthday by taking me to the tallest building in the state, where we rose to level 73, and seeing how beautiful the city was really took a lot of my fear away. Around me was this sweethearted boy, people adoring the city, and a nice guy at the front desk. We were quiet but we were all in awe. And I think that that really is a great representation of what it’s like to be with someone like him and build my shield and armor but also build a catapult of LOVE, and yes him and I rise so high but I’m not scared at all. I feel safe, like this is exactly where I need to be. Being in that building there was no fear of falling, no fear of crashing from 73 floors, just seeing the beauty of the world from a level where we couldn’t be touched by them. None of the negativity, none of it could touch us, although I always seek the love wherever I can find it, and create it when I can’t. And that’s really the bottom line, that’s how we all should live, we should wake up in the mornings up high in a New York hotel or just excited in our own heads or jumping around the street because you like jumping like me, and not be scared at all of what could be below. We’re safe here, with all the amenities that come with growing into such valuable people. It’s your right as a person to grow with no fear, it’s your right to seek the love and cut off the fear, it’s your right and your strength to live as you breathe and I promise you that you will never reach a point in your life where you’re not worth that. Maybe celebrities can live in penthouses high in the sky, with all their money, and it’s probably beautiful, but honestly what’s incredibly beautiful to me is getting to know the people I love and my cat Milkshake. What’s beautiful to me is waking up after not having a nightmare, and realizing what’s to come all day. What’s beautiful to me is I’m still 73 floors high, risen above anything that shouldn’t touch me, so you could say I have my head in the clouds yet I’ve never been so coherent. I’ve never been so intuitive. I’ve never learned that I have THIS much left to learn, and I still haven’t learned a fraction of what I’m about to learn. Tomorrow, the next day, next year, and yesterday…Things to look forward to. Strength is a choice, and I know you’ve earned it.
A month ago, I was sooo on a roll with blog posts. November was awesome for me and my blog and I was not only posting frequently, but thoroughly, and quality-ily. Quailityishful. So anyway then December everything started getting busy and crazy, however I FINALLY got around to editing these two shoots that I did (there was like a trillion pics to edit) and so now I can totally actually begin this journey that is Culture Shock, which is a half-formed idea in my head that’s about to florish. It’s derived of two equal parts, My Prerogative and Can’t Pin Me Down. Let’s see how I grow, live, create, slay and laugh at myself. After finishing this I’m actually extremely proud, and expression is best served passionately.
I feel like each of these Diary things is really different. Don’t be fooled by their names though, even though they’re all “Diary of ___” something different, they’re all basically the same thing. Journal entries in the form of blogging, pictures, online shopping and interacting with people online. Today I wanted to not only have a “diary” entry for the “DarkkVixen” that I am (that’s basically an inside (joke) thing I’ll explain it further down) but I wanted to show an unseen photoshoot with you guys that I’m actually really proud of, and it symbolizes a lot. Originally I used it on my other blog (just like one of the pictures) and I thought that represented a lot so I didn’t think to post the look here, especially because there’s no “shopping” really involved in it, but I do want to show you guys. I have so many looks, so many ideas, so much drive and everyday I get more bloated with inspiration and have to chase these blog goals to relieve it. Lol, for real. So get to know the DarkkVixen inside of me.
Album of the Shoot/Post – Bionic by Christina Aguilera
Scorpio Season truly is supposed to be the time where I’m at my peak. FIRST – this sounds sad at first, but I promise you I’m following it up with some SERIOUS positivity. Anyway, I’m supposed to feel my strongest, do the most elite things, and challenge myself to degrees that make growing a regular & constant thing. But here I am right now sitting in Starbucks and I’m miserable — can you believe that, miserable?? Like, with all that I have and have been given and I’m capable of being miserable? I don’t even understand how. So here I am in my head listening to the faint sounds of Starbucks and I gotta tell you guys, it’s my fault. FAULT is a strong word, and no I am not being hard on myself. I’m being tender with myself and trying to understand where I’m coming from and how I can back to a peaceful mindset. Although, it’s okay that I was miserable, and it’s okay that I took a deep breath and finally got to Starbucks and ordered a tall latte and oatmeal…It’s the best I could do to take care of myself (we have like no money right now) but I gotta say I just really really truly want to cry, with all of my heart. Something that started out as such a fantastic day ended in me not being able to do anything not even being able to watch Netflix or Hulu and I gotta say, days like this are going to happen. A lot of times I’ll have great starts but a lot of times I’ll fall on my ass or face. That’s going to happen and just because I can’t predict it doesn’t mean I can’t be prepared for it, like honestly. This blog post starts out with mostly just me complaining but I’m telling you right now that I understand what’s happening within myself & around me and I see that a lot of my flaws have these holes in them where I could’ve prevented the fall, but that also doesn’t mean I need to point fingers at myself. Because I don’t. Taking responsibility for myself, my actions, my hunger and my state of mind is one thing but that doesn’t mean I need to be hard on myself or add anymore unnecessary negativity to my life. Because that’s bull!
And as I write this, I feel myself uplifting. There’s a lot of power in understanding things and there’s a LOT of power in understanding myself. I’ve found that out in so many ways. So now I want to show you guys some shoots from the past month, some interesting peaks of Scorpio Season. I know that a lot of this just sounds like something that would be on my Worry Just Enough blog but honestly, I’m just as powerful with my fashion and shopping as I am with being in my head and worrying about things. Honestly, probably more so. But I want to show you a power shoot that was totally experimental (never really done anything like it) plus a completely random Halloween shoot where I was honestly just as comforable/in my element. “What were you for Halloween?” …. “Idk but it looked cool.” And now, after a longass intro, I will dive in. I dive down and things look up.
1, 2, 3, 4… I’ve got too many people got left to prove wrong. – (track 1, Bastards)
This has been building up since this album’s release day. Like I literally have stuff piled in my computer’s lil memory bank dating mid-September just for this post. This is a blog post about Rainbow and how it completely changed and saved my life, and how I live my life everyday with the lessons and empowerment I’ve taken from this woman. I think I’m going to divide it up by Rainbow-album-song-increments, but also just showing you guys the Rainbow pre-order bundle I got along with other Rainbow merch and concert Rainbow merch too. So yeah lots of Rainbow shit. I’m both incredibly proud and also fully prepared to walk you through my world of Rainbow that I’ve created from the one and only, my favorite album of the year, and of all time. The most moving, the most inspirational, the most empowering, and the strongest fucking woman I know of.